Ruben's NFC Preview: NFC South!

New Orleans Saints
Predicted Record: 11-5
Predicted Finish: NFC South Champion. Lose in NFC Championship.
The Skinny: They can score a shit load of points. They can give up a shitload of points. Drew Brees slings the fucking ball all over the field. Marques Colston, Lance Moore, Devery Henderson, Robert Meachum, Jeremy Shockey, Reggie Bush, and Pierre Thomas might not all be names as big as Kim Kardashian’s ass, but they all can contribute. Pierre Thomas looks ready to seize the feature back roll relegating Reggie Bush to a modern day Via Sikahema. Bush will catch plenty of balls (hopefully not with his mouth), and return a punt here and there, but he’s certainly not going to “revolutionize” the position. For “revolutionizing the position” labels on former draft picks, see: Vick, Michael and Young, Vince for reference. Ronnie Harmon, Eric Metcalf, and Larry Centers were all running backs who could catch the ball, and they all had mediocre NFL careers, so Reggie Bush has that to look forward to. Honestly, every year, one team jumps from mediocrity to a lucky season and NFC Championship Potential (some people use the word “fluke” to describe such). I think it’s New Orleans. They play offense better than any other team not named New England and the play in the NFC. Because they do one thing better than 31 other NFL teams, I see New Orleans making some noise this year. I think Drew Brees has an MVP award in the near future. I also kinda like New Orleans because I think they have cool jerseys and I’ve been a big Drew Brees fan since his days at Purdue. Growing up in Miami and not being a Dolphin fan but a Dolphin follower (I don’t like the team, I’ve seen so much of them and know such much about them that I’m almost a fan by default), I’m still perplexed they passed on Drew Brees twice (once in the draft when they needed a QB and WR and took a midget cornerback over Brees and Miami Native Chad Ocho Cinco and once when they opted for Daunte Culpepper in free agency).
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: (Editors Note: there was an entire rant here regarding Drew Brees’ mother being the most likely to get arrested, but following her mysterious and untimely death, we’ve decided to withhold from said rant)
What Peter King Would Say About Them: There are few things as Louisiana as eating oyster po boys in the French Quarter while watching Drew Brees land perfectly thrown balls into the outstretched arms of the massive/marvelous Marcus Colston and the dimunitive/dynamite Lance Moore. Drew is a football player. Drew will win an MVP award soon. I would take him over almost any other quarterback in the league, especially Ben Roethlisberger.

Atlanta Falcons
Predicted Record: 10-6
Predicted Finish: Second in NFC South, Wild Card, Loss in Wild Card Weekend
The Skinny: It’s no secret that people think the Falcons season last year was a fluke and that they are destined for disappointment this year. They went 11-5 last year and snatched a wild card berth behind a rookie quarterback and an awful season the year before. I’m not so sure they’re as big a fluke as everyone makes them out to be. The Steelers were 6-10 in 2003. For the 90’s and early 00’s the Steelers were stuck with a craptastic carousel of quarterbacks and snuck into one Super Bowl behind an immobile QB who looked much older than he was. The Falcon’s weren’t that different. Then they took Matt Ryan. The people “in the know” said rookie quarterbacks couldn’t succeed. Ben ended up winning the Rookie of the Year and went to the AFC title game. Ryan won the Rookie of the Year and went to the playoffs. Now we don’t think Ryan is nearly as good as Ben, and the Falcons defense isn’t anywhere close to the Steelers defense. That being said, we don’t think Ryan takes the Falcons to the Super Bowl, but we do think the Falcons aren’t going to drop off the map. They got a QB with moxie in Ryan, a workhorse RB in Michael Turner, and a top 10 WR in Roddy White. On top of that, they had one of the best offseason moves in trading for Tony Gonzalez. The defense will get better and we don’t think it’s crazy to think the Falcons go 10-6 and take another wild card.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Third String QB John Parker Wilson who has the name and the look of pure trust fund douchebaggery. He’s going to have a lot of free time at bars to tell women “John Parker Wilson, NFL Quarterback.” Free time at bars + trust fund douchebaggery = DUI.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: The traffic in Atlanta is terrible. I’m not quite sure how anybody can stand the traffic in this town. I was simply trying to drive from Hartsfield Jackson (Atlanta’s airport, which has Starbucks aplenty) to my hotel in Buckhead, which is right next to this fantastic little Greek Café named Café Agora, seriously, go, see Al there, who is probably back from Greece and tell him to feed you and you will be amazed. Almost as amazed as when you see the Falcons repeat what they did last year.

Carolina Panthers
Predicted Record: 7-9
Predicted Finish: Third in NFC South
The Skinny: Yuck. You look at them and they really don’t look all that bad. You look at them again and they really don’t look all that good. You see DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart and pencil them in for 12-4 and a division title. You see Jake Delhomme and you pencil them in for 4-12. Steve Smith when healthy and drama free is a force: 11-5. Steve Smith separated something and just punched the long snapper for calling him short: 5-11. Julius Peppers just sacked The Statue formerly known as Byron Leftwich for the 4th time this game: 10-6. Julius Peppers ate too much Carolina BBQ and is pouty about his contract: 6-10. Jon Beason is healthy and Mushin Muhammed is alive: 9-7. Jon Beason is hurt and Mushin Muhammed is a corpse: 7-9. Where does that leave us? 8-8. That makes sense. Jake Delhomme. Fuck. 7-9. Yeah, it’s 7-9, Jake sucks that much.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Steve Smith’s years of punching incredibly inferior teammates in meetings, practices, bar mitzvah’s, etc. finally catches up with him and one teammate he punched files charges after being released.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: You want to trust Jake. You believe you can trust. You think deep down that you can depend on Jake. But, and I feel terrible saying this because Jake is as nice a player and human being as you’ll find in the NFL, but you can’t trust Jake. Not after that historically infamous performance against the Cardinals in the playoffs last year. Keep your head up Jake.

Tampa Bay Bucs
Predicted Record: 3-13
Predicted Finish: Last in NFC South
The Skinny: Turd Sandwich or Giant Douche? Turd Sandwich or Giant Douche? Can the answer be both? With this team, of course. I think this will be the worst team in the NFL this year. I can’t see them winning more than four games. I’d be absolutely shocked if they won more than two games. They just made puzzling decisions all around. I’m sure Chuckie Gruden wore out his welcome because he is a giant fucking sourpuss, but they gave the head coaching job to a 33 year old guy who was barely more than a defensive assistant in the NFL all because they let Mike Tomlin slip away a few years ago? They let Jeff Garcia and his AARP card go and replaced him with The Statue Formerly Known as Byron Leftwich? The Statue can’t run and it takes from the time you start reading this word until the time you finish reading this section for him to wind up and release the fucking ball. They signed Giants backup Derrick Ward to be part of a three headed running back committee with 5’8 (and at least 2 feet of that 5’8 being his head) Earnest Graham and Cadillac Williams and his two knee replacements, one artificial Bo Jackson hip, and Will Smith’s arm from I-Robot? That’s going to win games? They’re expecting another Pro Bowl year from Antonio Bryant? Somehow, Michael Clayton (not the George Clooney version) is still a starting wide receiver for them? Was Willie Gault busy? The defense is a mess too as the sent the always classy and always steady Derrick Brooks packing. They just suck.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Stylez G. White, defensive end.. Formerly known as Greg White, he decided to legally change his name because of the movie Teen Wolf. He also played in the Arena League. Clearly, he is insane and capable of anything.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: Sitting in Fenway, I realized that Dustin Pedroia plays the game the way it should be played.