So, it is now time to go through the teams of the new national pastime, one-by-one. The NFL is a bit more interesting, though, because although it had 30 years of action prior to the introduction of the AFL, and over 35 years before the first Super Bowl, it has really been the Super Bowl era which has defined the sport. Therefore, unlike baseball where any World Series counts the same, in the NFL rankings, NFL or AFL championships (pre-1965) are counted the same as NFC or AFC championships at present. Super Bowls, then, are worth considerably more. This really only makes sense, since for teams like the Eagles and Lions, who really cares how many NFL championships they've won? Also, unlike baseball, the dominant teams of the past 40-50 years are not necessarily the ones who were dominant for the first 30. The Steelers were terrible until 1972, and the 49ers and Cowboys didn't exist until the mid-'50s and early-'60s, respectively. Anyhow, here's how it all shook out.
32. Houston Texans - (-17) Points
Houston Texans (2002- ) (Houston, TX)
Which do I address first. Well, let's get the non-sequitor out of the way... Did you know that there is a Houston Street in Manhattan? Well, there is, but it is pronounced "How-stin" rather than "Hue-stin". How did that happen? The guy they named it after, William Houstoun, was a delegate to the Continental Congress back in the d-izz-ay. A fucking misspelling. It's either "Houstoun Street" (How-stin Street) or it's "Houston Street" (Hue-stin Street). You would think that a city with that many people could do a fucking spell check before naming their streets.
Moving forward, yes, the Texans have -17 points, and I had to put their total in parentheses so that everyone wouldn't confuse the dash which I had intended as a separating device for a negative symbol, or, worse yet, read it as -(-17) which would = +17. No, it's negative 17, because they have 7 years under their belt... 2 at .500, and 6 losing seasons.
But the future is looking better. Andre Johnson be a stud. Schaub is good, if healthy and Mario Williams is almost enough to say that you have a defense. Now, if only they could bring Aaron Glenn ...
Seasons: 7
Super Bowl Championships: 0
AFC/AFL Championships: 0
Division Championships: 0
Playoff Appearances: 0
Winning Seasons: 0
HOFers: 0
Wow, that's a lot of zeros.
Points Per Year (PPY): -2.43 (Yes negative - that's how averages work)
PPY Rank: 32nd (Duh)
31. Carolina Panthers - 376 Points
Carolina Panthers (1995- ) (Charlotte, NC)
It all started with Kerry Collins... Which is why they are #31 on this list. Now, the John Fox-Jake Delhomme-Steve Smith Panthers are a good team. Had a shot at winning a Super Bowl back in 2003-04, if only John Kasay could have kept the fucking kickoff in bounds. Anyhow, they've built a pretty consistent franchise down there, but had too many average years between '96 and '03 to pull higher on this list.
Seasons: 14
Super Bowl Championships: 0
NFC/NFL Championships: 1
Division Championships: 3
Playoff Appearances: 4
Winning Seasons: 4
HOFers: 0
Points Per Year (PPY): 26.86
PPY Rank: 24th
30. New Orleans Saints - 415 Points
New Orleans Saints (1967- ) (New Orleans, LA)
Yikes. This low, eh? Well, when you think about it, what have they done? Four decades, 0 NFC Championships. Not even a few winning seasons to go around. They just suck historically. Awesome unis, though... Oh, and Drew Brees. He really is like so awesome. What, him bringing his winning ways to N'awlins. What? He has one playoff appearance? Shiiiiiiiit.
Seasons: 42
Super Bowl Championships: 0
NFC/NFL Championships: 0
Division Championships: 3
Playoff Appearances: 6
Winning Seasons: 8
HOFers: 1
Points Per Year (PPY): 9.88
PPY Rank: 31st
29. Jacksonville Jaguars - 427 Points
Jacksonville Jaguars (1996- ) (Jacksonville, FL)
Consistent but also consistently beleaguered at the same time. They've been in the black basically half of their existence, but still haven't made a Super Bowl. That might be Tom Coughlin's doing. Not convinced he's the real deal. Plus, they've refused to have a real QB ever. Like, close to real QBs, but no real real QBs. David Garrard? Fail. Byron Leftwich? Well, you're a little warmer. Mark Brunell? Close, but still no. Oh, wait, I'm working backwards there, which means we're headed in the wrong direction.
Seasons: 14
Super Bowl Championships: 0
AFC/AFL Championships: 0
Division Championships: 2
Playoff Appearances: 4
Winning Seasons: 7
HOFers: 0
Points Per Year (PPY): 30.50
PPY Rank: 22nd
28. Atlanta Falcons - 502 Points
Atlanta Falcons (1967- ) (Atlanta, GA)
Really, not that far off from the 'aints. Frankly, about the only thing separating these two is the Dirty Birds' upset of the Vikes in 1998. More colorful, though, for sure. Jamal Anderson. Mike Vick. Andre "Bad Moon" Rison. You know, like the Credence song. Chris Chandler. Lots of people forget that Chris Chandler was the Frank Reich to Warren Moon's Jim Kelly for a long time. And if you followed that, I encourage you to read on.
Seasons: 43
Super Bowl Championships: 0
NFC/NFL Championships: 1
Division Championships: 4
Playoff Appearances: 9
Winning Seasons: 10
HOFers: 0
Points Per Year (PPY): 11.67
PPY Rank: 30th
27. Baltimore Ravens - 665 Points
Baltimore Ravens (1996- ) (Baltimore, MD)
Hell of an accomplishment for this young team, but its been a hell of a franchise so far. Two of the most ubiquitous defensive players of the last decade - Ray "My involvement in that murder is unclear" Lewis and Ed Reed - have anchored one scary-ass defense. How good were they? Not even the combined stupidity of Brian Billick and Trent Dilfer could fuck it up. You might be saying "Whaaaaaaaaa? The same Trent Dilfer that started his career with 17 TDs to 43 INTs?" To that, I would say "Yes, one and the same". So, yeah, Trent Dilfer is an idiot, because you don't get that kind of ratio if you have any clue how to manage a game.
But yeah, this is a damn fine young franchise, and they're only gonna move up these rankings.
Seasons: 13
Super Bowl Championships: 1
AFC/AFL Championships: 1
Division Championships: 2
Playoff Appearances: 5
Winning Seasons: 6
HOFers: 0 (Yet.)
Points Per Year (PPY): 51.15
PPY Rank: 12th
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 773 Points
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1976- ) (Tampa, FL)
This has really only changed in the past decade. Known for their futility, they went, what, 25 years without a winning season? That may be hyperbole, but they were bad. That is, until Sapp and Brooks and friends showed up. That Super Bowl Championship helps, too. They're another team with some HOFers on the way.
Seasons: 33
Super Bowl Championships: 1
NFC/NFL Championships: 1
Division Championships: 6
Playoff Appearances: 10
Winning Seasons: 11
HOFers: 1
Points Per Year (PPY): 23.42
PPY Rank: 26th
25. Seattle Seahawks - 870 Points
Seattle Seahawks (1977- ) (Seattle, WA)
The only team to ever switch conferences twice their recent success has pulled them slightly above the dregs of the NFL, and into this spot. A franchise really lacking in any achievement, most people would be hard-pressed to name more than a few former players. Steve Largent is obviously the one that sticks out in people's minds, and for the younger crowd, the dominant Cortez Kennedy may ring a bell. However, this team is best known for its failures - its NFL-record -7 Total Yards in a November 1979 game against the Raiders; the Bo Jackson Monday Night game; Matt Hasselbeck's infamous prediction against the Packers in like 2003.
Oh yeah, and they whine like bitches. That's probably why they aren't any better.
Seasons: 33
Super Bowl Championships: 0
Conference Championships: 1
Division Championships: 6
Playoff Appearances: 10
Winning Seasons: 15
HOFers: 1
Points Per Year (PPY): 26.36
PPY Rank: 25th
24. Cincinnati Bengals - 901 Points
Cincinnati Bengals (1968- ) (Cincinnati, OH)
The Bengals are ranked this high based largely on the Ken Anderson-Boomer Esiason years of the late 1970s and 1980s. Outside of that, this franchise has struggled to make any noise at all. More recently, the team has become better known as a refuge for the NFL's criminal element. They've also replaced the Ickey Shuffle with "Who 'dey" (as in "Who 'dey think 'dey gonna beat 'dem Bengals [sic]), and unfortunate rallying cry for a 4-11-1 team.
Seasons: 41
Super Bowl Championships: 0
AFC/AFL Championships: 2
Division Championships: 7
Playoff Appearances: 8
Winning Seasons: 12
HOFers: 1
Points Per Year (PPY): 21.98
PPY Rank: 27th
23. New York Jets - 979 Points
New York Titans (1960-62) (New York, NY)
New York Jets (1963- ) (New York, NY)
The team that put the AFL on the map has really seen their fortunes go downhill ever since. Since their Super Bowl III upset, the Jets haven't made it to the Super Bowl again, and have only made the AFC Championship once - in 1998, when they were severly outclassed by eventual Super Bowl winner Denver. The oft-beleaguered franchise also has the unfortunate distinction of being the only NFL team to play in a stadium named after another NFL team. The first of the original 8 AFL teams on the list.
Oh, and there's the issue of Fireman Ed. Sad.
Seasons: 49
Super Bowl Championships: 1
AFC/AFL Championships: 1
Division Championships: 3
Playoff Appearances: 11
Winning Seasons: 15
HOFers: 4
Points Per Year (PPY): 19.98
PPY Rank: 28th
22. Arizona Cardinals - 1,373 Points
Chicago Cardinals (1922-59) (Chicago, IL)
St. Louis Cardinals (1960-87) (St. Louis, MO)
Phoenix Cardinals (1988-93) (Phoenix, AZ)
Arizona Cardinals (1994- ) (Phoenix, AZ)
So, um, yeah. Here, my friends, is the worst franchise in NFL history. Yes, they made it to the Super Bowl just last year. But they've been around for 87 years, and are ranked behind 21 other teams, only two of which have been in existence just as long. The Chicago Cardinals were terrible. Outside of a few Air-Coryell years in the '70s, the St. Louis Cardinals were terrible. Oh yeah, the Phoenix Cardinals? 2 playoff appearances in 22 seasons. Not so hot. I'm not going to bother to go on, because they just plain stink, and probably aren't deserving of even the 22nd spot.
Seasons: 87
Super Bowl Championships: 0
NFC/NFL Championships: 3
Division Championships: 4
Playoff Appearances: 8
Winning Seasons: 19
HOFers: 11
Points Per Year (PPY): 15.78
PPY Rank: 29th
21. San Diego Chargers - 1,729 Points
Los Angeles Chargers (1960) (Los Angeles, CA)
San Diego Chargers (1961- ) (San Diego, CA)
The San Diego....Superchargers. Don't get that reference. Never have, but Berman sure seems to like it. The second-worst original AFL franchise, their success has been rather attenuated, at least when it comes to playoff success. Some good teams in the '70s, '90s and 2000s, but no real playoff success to speak of - unless you want to call making it to the Super Bowl only to allow 6 TD passes a success. And that's ultimately where teams are made and broken, so here the Chahgers sit at 21.
Seasons: 49
Super Bowl Championships: 0
AFC/AFL Championships: 2
Division Championships: 14
Playoff Appearances: 16
Winning Seasons: 20
HOFers: 7
Points Per Year (PPY): 35.29
PPY Rank: 20th
No comments:
Post a Comment