Week 3: Bungles 23, Stillers 20

Well, there are few things worse than losing to the Bengals. It'd be like the Yankees getting swept by the Nats (or Pirates, really); the Red Wings getting beat by the Islanders; the Lakers getting beat by the Clippers (like 8 times). The first 28 minutes of the game was pure domination. As was clear at that time, the Steelers are the better team. They didn't capatalize on opportunities, and the Bengals did. Just like with the Bears last week, I don't want to take anything away from Cincy. They scrapped, and clawed and hung around, and capitalized at the end. Props to them.

With that said, I'd first like to address something that was raised by one of our 3 avid readers. How did Limas get a scholarship to Texas? Well, that's a good question. I'm a HUGE Sweed fan. Huge. The kid has all the physical skills. He's big, pretty fast, good at using his body to make space. When people shit on him in the AFC Championship game for that drop, I said, "Hold on now, is there anyone on the team who would have gotten that open. He completely bitched the corner, and he's a rookie. Give him a break." He also came right back and killed Corey Ivey. What that said to me is, hey, he's a rookie, he got a little excited, but he can get over it, and he has the right mentality - specifically, that he wants to kill you if he gets the chance.

I stuck with him through the pre-season, too. He made some good catches in the pre-season. He didn't get much action to start the year, but that's ok. Then we come up with a big 3rd, from the Cincy 35, up 20-9, and looking to put away a feisty Bungles team. Limas goes up field, simple post pattern, beats his man, and Ben hits him SQUARE in the numbers from 40 yards away. Pass couldn't be more perfect. It's in his hands, he bobbles it, hits the ground and it flies out.

Well, I may be done, and I think the coaching staff may be too. What does Limas have that makes him desirable? He's big, so that should mean a redzone threat. And he's pretty quick, which means he's a deep threat too. Well, he doesn't do shit in the red zone, and that play today? Mike Wallace would have been just as open. And he wouldn't have dropped it, either. I know this.

I hate to say it, but Limas is our 5th. Shaun McDonald can play as the 4th and make the catches. Mike Wallace is wicked fast, and the boy just catches the ball. And it breaks my heart to say that. Limas has had his shot, and has made two inexcusable drops - both of which cost us TDs in close games. Luckily, we won the important one, but going forward, I don't see how you trust him over Mike Wallace to run that route. And I'm sure it wasn't unintentional that both Limas and Wallace had deep routes today. And I'm sure that the depth chart will reflect their respective performances.

As for the rest of the team, I don't want to talk about it. With Troy out, they need someone to step up. Ben played fine. The INT was on Santonio, not him. Willie looked better. The D was fine, but they aren't stepping up with Troy out, and that's really what they need.

The loss, though, rests on the shoulders of Bruce Arians as much as anyone. The fact of the matter is that he is NOT a good coach. He doesn't make smart calls, and it's cost us two games now. 3rd and 2, and you throw for the end zone? And then as Mr. Ruben so aptly put it, we started playing Cowher football today up 20-9. Now, I know that the shutting things down part was probably more Tomlin than Arians, but Arians makes the obvious call every time. He doesn't switch it up. He doesn't bring mis-direction. He doesn't put his players in a position to succeed. So, I'm done with him, far more than I am with Limas.

So, action plan for the week (1) Mike Wallace is new #3, (2) fire Bruce Arians and hire the "Ask Madden" fuction off of Madden '10, (3) Coach needs to sit the team down, and remind them that this is the NFL, and that if you don't bring your a-game, you're in trouble. The good times are over, and time to get down to business. If they don't bring it soon, we could be looking at 2-4 going into the bye - and an Everest of a climb into playoff position.

9/28/09 - 917 AM Addition:

So, I'm now sitting around, reading various local pieces on yesterday's shit-show, and I just wanted to address a theme I'm seeing - specifically, most of the people writing being idiot yinzers.

With that said, I think a few things are worth noting.

(1) The Pick-6 on Ben wasn't on Ben. It was clear to anyone watching that Santonio was Ben's hot-read, and that Santonio slept on that play. It was, frankly, a bad game for the guy, which is frustrating given how solid he was in Week 1. That kind of thing happens, but to throw this on Ben (or even really allege that he has some kind of issue with plays like that) isn't really accurate.

(2) Skippy played like shit last week, no doubt. And yeah, he was what, 2-3 on FGs this week? And that 3rd FG would have been big - would have left Cincy with the tie, rather than the win on that late TD drive. But I don't think there's any doubt his job is safe. He isn't on the team because he bangs in 62 yarders all day long. In fact, no kicker in the league can be expected or relied on to hit a 50+ yard FG for his team. If he makes it, then great. If not, well, you can't expect that a guy's gonna hit more than 50% of those.

But either way, we have Reed because our last long-term kicker (lest anyone forget) was a kid named Kris Brown, who, although he could nail a kick from anywhere on the field, he had a tendency to miss from anywhere on the field, too. The Steelers play in Heinz Field, generally considered the worst place to kick in the league.

Reed is, nonetheless, 29 for 32 over the last 2+ seasons there, including perfect under 40 yards. So, the lesson is this: Reed is absolute money from under 40 yards, and that's why we have him.

So, how have other kickers fared at Heinz in the past? Well, our starters from those respective seasons:

Kris Brown 14 for 24.
Todd Peterson 6 for 10.

So 20 for 34 versus 29 for 32. Seems like a pretty easy call to me. And both those guys are career 80% kickers. It's a hard place to kick, but Reed knows how. That's not the kind of thing that could be easily replaced.

Don't know if anyone saw Shane Graham's 52 yard FG attempt, but his was a lot further off. Jeff Reed played fine, and had nothing to do with that loss.

Actually, I'm gonna keep going on the kicking department. Let's talk about Cincy's kicking game - or specifically, it's failure to capitalize on an XP after the INT TD. They hit that, and it's 20-17 with Cincy driving late. Hell, Graham hits his 52 yarder, and it's 20-20. Really, Cincy left some points on the board in the second half, and it could have been a whole lot easier for them to get this win.

(3) I saw a reference from someone that the "2008 Draft Class could turn out to be the worst ever". I'm a little surprised to be reading this, but think it's a little too early to say, frankly. Mendnehall has 29 career touches. Maybe we should let him get above a full-game's worth before we make judgments. Limas has been a bummer, and that shit happens. We've cut our 3rd round pick, but that never happens to anyone else. Oh, and our 5th round pick "is probably a career backup" and our 6th round pick "was squarely on the bubble during training camp".

Our 6th rounder from 2009 is already gone, by the way; and NFL starting QBs don't come from the 5th round, regardless of what you hear about Tom Brady.

Look at the top QBs in the league, and they're all 1st- or 2nd-round picks.

So, Pittsburgh has worked itself up so much that they aren't even making sense anymore. An apparent movement to blame Ben, the Kicker and an unproven draft class over the coaching staff which went easy on this team, and clearly is having trouble getting them ready for games - not to mention having difficulty finding any kind of intelligence in the offensive playcalling.

Title Town USA: MLB Franchise Rankings 9-1

9. Atlanta Braves - 3,452 Points

Boston Beaneaters (1901-06) (Boston, MA)
Boston Doves (1907-10) (Boston, MA)
Boston Rustlers (1911) (Boston, MA)
Boston Braves (1912-35, 1941-52) (Boston, MA)
Boston Bees (1936-40) (Boston, MA)
Milwaukee Braves (1953-65) (Milwaukee, WI)
Atlanta Braves (1966- ) (Atlanta, GA)

The Braves have a storied history, but for much of that history found themselves short on rings. Prior to 1956, the team had only made the playoffs twice. However, in the 1950's, Hank Aaron, Eddie Mathews and Warren Spahn led the Braves to back-to-back WS appearances. Their most consistent success, however, has come in the past 20 years, under Bobby Cox. Between 1991 and 2005 (with the exception of the strike-shortened 1994 season), the Braves won 13 straight division championships. Their numbers are sure to rise as Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine will soon be eligible for the HOF, as well. Much like the Orioles, the Braves have had to overcome a mediocre first-half of the 20th century to place this high.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 3
NL Champ.: 9
Division Champ.: 16
Total Playoffs: 20
Winning Seasons: 52
HOFers: 11

Points Per Year (PPY): 31.96
PPY Rank: 10th


8. Chicago Cubs - 3,585 Points

Chicago Orphans (1901-02) (Chicago, IL)
Chicago Cubs (1903- ) (Chicago, IL)

Yes, that's right, everyone's beloved Cubs are only the 8th most prestigious franchise in baseball history. But, that's what 100+ years without a title will do to you. In fact, they've had 14 bites at the apple, and have come up empty every time. A team marred by futility, I imagine that most people would have a tough time naming Cubs players who have gone down as some of the best ever. Ernie Banks would make that list, but who else? Ryne Sandberg - I doubt that one. Billy Williams - underrated, but not elite in the all-time sense.

Ultimately, although they have a rabid fanbase, and an awesomely preserved piece of baseball history in Wrigley Field, all the Cubs really have is professional sports' most famous losing streak. It's kind of a wonder that they're ranked this high.


Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 2
NL Champ.: 10
Division Champ.: 5
Total Playoffs: 16
Winning Seasons: 52
HOFers: 13

Points Per Year (PPY): 33.19
PPY Rank: 9th


7. Pittsburgh Pirates - 3,749 Points

Pittsburgh Pirates (1901- ) (Pittsburgh, PA)

Haha, ouch. The team, with an all-sports record of 17 consecutive losing seasons in the 7th best franchise in baseball history. Well, up until 1992, they were a pretty damn good franchise, which had boasted such HOF talent as Honus Wagner, Paul Waner, Ralph Kiner, Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell and Barry Bonds. Their five WS banners are the highest of any team up to this point, which is really a testament to how good this team was for the 90 years of the century. I am may get nailed for being a homer, but just look at the numbers below, and consider these as well: 33 times in their 108 years the Pirates had a winning percentage above .560, and they have 7 MVP awards to their credit. Although now an embarrassment, this team was a contender for a long, long time.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 5
NL Champ.: 9
Division Champ.: 9
Total Playoffs: 16
Winning Seasons: 62
HOFers: 12

Points Per Year (PPY): 34.71
PPY Rank: 8th


6. Boston Red Sox - 4,406 Points

Boston Americans (1901-07) (Boston, MA)
Boston Red Sox (1908- ) (Boston, MA)

The BoSox, like the Cubs, are now fabled for their history, futility, and stadium. However, they actually have some measure of success in recent years to point to. The long-time doormat to the more robust Yankees, the Sox have once again become relevant through solid management, and the dissolution of reasonable spending league-wide.

Although they went almost 90 years without a title, the Sox have seen a number of all-time players grace the diamond at Fenway - Ted Williams, Carl Yastrzemski and Roger Clemens, just to name a few. Although better known for some of their heroic losses - 1-game playoff for the 1978 AL East crown, Game 6 of the 1986 Series - the recent version has erased a lot of those memories, and the Sox stand to make a move towards being one of the top-5 teams on this list.


Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 7
AL Champ.: 12
Division Champ.: 6
Total Playoffs: 19
Winning Seasons: 71
HOFers: 9

Points Per Year (PPY): 40.80
PPY Rank: 7th


5. Oakland Athletics - 4,844 Points

Philadelphia Athletics (1901-54) (Philadelphia, PA)
Kansas City Athletics (1955-67) (Kansas City, MO)
Oakland Athletics (1968- ) (Oakland, CA)

Slowly making their way across the country, the Athletics success since reaching Oakland has been astounding. Since 1968 alone, they have 4 World Titles and 6 Pennants to their credit. The Philadelphia version was home to Jimmie Foxx for the better part of his career, and somehow found a way to pick up 5 more titles along the way. Although the current economic status of the league has pushed the A's towards the bottom of the heap, between 2000 and 2006, the A's made the playoffs 5 of 7 seasons.


Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 9
AL Champ.: 15
Division Champ.: 13
Total Playoffs: 24
Winning Seasons: 51
HOFers: 14

Points Per Year (PPY): 44.85
PPY Rank: 6th


4. Los Angeles Dodgers - 5,241 Points

Brooklyn Superbas (1901-10, 1913) (New York, NY)
Brooklyn Robins (1914-31) (New York, NY)
Brooklyn Dodgers (1911-12, 1932-57) (New York, NY)
Los Angeles Dodgers (1958- ) (Los Angeles, CA)

Not much needs to be said about the Dodgers. The reason they sit at 4th, and not higher, is that they only got one title while in Brooklyn. Everyone knows the names, though: Jackie Robinson, Duke Snider, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale. Once again the cream of the crop in the NL West, the Dodgers appear geared to reclaim their glory days.


Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 6
NL Champ.: 18
Division Champ.: 9
Total Playoffs: 25
Winning Seasons: 69
HOFers: 14

Points Per Year (PPY): 48.53
PPY Rank: 4th


3. St. Louis Cardinals - 5,567 Points

St. Louis Cardinals (1901- ) (St. Louis, MO)

Another one of the league's class franchises, the Cardinals have a long litany of great players - from the gas-house gang, to Stan Musial, to the Gibson-Brock-led Cardinals of the '60s, to the small-ball mastering Cards of the mid '80s, who featured Vince Coleman, Ozzie Smith and Willie McGee 1-2-3, to the present-day Cardinals who claim the best right-handed hitter of our era in Albert Pujols, and one of the best right-handed pitchers in Chris Carpenter. With one of the best fan bases in all of sports, the Cards have the potential to move into 2nd soon.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 10
NL Champ.: 17
Division Champ.: 10
Total Playoffs: 22
Winning Seasons: 69
HOFers: 15

Points Per Year (PPY): 51.55
PPY Rank: 3rd


2. San Francisco Giants - 6,077 Points

New York Giants (1901-57) (New York, NY)
San Francisco Giants (1958- ) (San Francisco, CA)

Although the Dodgers and Cards have been stronger in the last 50 years, the Giants were the original dominant team in all of baseball. It was the Giants in 1904 who felt so superior in their abilities that they refused to play a team from the lowly AL in the World Series. From Christy Mathewson and Mel Ott, to perhaps the greatest all-around player of all time in Willie Mays, to perhaps the greatest hitter of all-time in Barry Bonds, the Giants have been defined as much by their talent as by their accomplishments. Ultimately, though, they may be the most dominant NL team of all-time, but spent much of that time as second fiddle to our number 1...


1. New York Yankees - 11,000 Points

Baltimore Orioles (1901-02) (Baltimore, MD)
New York Highlanders (1903-12) (New York, NY)
New York Yankees (1913- ) (New York, NY)

For those of you who are wondering, no, I didn't make up some arbitrary round number that was double the next-best team. The Yankees are, plain and simple, that great. If you just think about an all-time Yankees team, you could field HOFers at basically every position... Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, Reggie Jackson, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera. And the 26 world championships. Perhaps the most dominant team in all of professional sports.

Also worth noting is that 3 of the top 4 teams spent the first half of the century in New York City. And this was back when a lot of your talent was local - just goes to show how big a role the New York area played in the early development of MLB.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 26
AL Champ.: 39
Division Champ.: 15
Total Playoffs: 47
Winning Seasons: 85
HOFers: 21

Points Per Year (PPY): 101.85
PPY Rank: 1st


Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 4
NL Champ.: 20
Division Champ.: 6
Total Playoffs: 22
Winning Seasons: 75
HOFers: 25

Points Per Year (PPY): 56.27
PPY Rank: 2nd

Title Town USA: MLB Franchise Rankings 20-10

So, here's the next bunch. And now that we've gotten through the chaff.....

20. Toronto Blue Jays - 804 Points

Toronto Blue Jays (1977- ) (Toronto, Ontario)

The Jays are by far the more successful of the two 1977 expansion teams - the early '90's version was damn near dominant, with a lot of excellent, but not necessarily HOF, talent.

Seasons: 32
World Series Champ.: 2
AL Champ.: 2
Division Champ.: 5
Total Playoffs: 5
Winning Seasons: 18
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 25.13
PPY Rank: 15th


19. Houston Astros - 807 Points

Houston Colt .45's (1962-64) (Houston, TX)
Houston Astros (1965- ) (Houston, TX)

They're ahead of the Jays by a nose in these rankings - certainly based solely on the success of the past 10 years. No titles, but they did make it to the Series in 2005. Their rankings should take a bump in the near future with the consideration of Bagwell and Biggio for the Hall (with assumption that at least Biggio will be in). Lots of regular season success, but they've never closed deal, and it doesn't quite look like they'll be making a move like that for at least a couple seasons.

Seasons: 47
World Series Champ.: 0
NL Champ.: 1
Division Champ.: 7
Total Playoffs: 9
Winning Seasons: 28
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 17.17
PPY Rank: 23rd


18. Los Angeles Angels - 876 Points

Los Angeles Angels (1961-64, 2005- ) (Los Angeles, CA)
California Angels (1965-1996) (Los Angeles, CA)
Anaheim Angels (1997-2004) (Los Angeles, CA)

With a history not entirely unlike that of the Astros, the Angels spent many years with moderate regular season success, but (sometimes epic) post-season futility. However, unlike the Astros, the recent Angels have been able to get over the hump, and have become one of the dominant forces in the American League. Unfortunately, though, they don't have much room to improve, at least in the near future, as they still trail the original 16 franchises by a considerable margin.

Seasons: 48
World Series Champ.: 1
AL Champ.: 1
Division Champ.: 7
Total Playoffs: 8
Winning Seasons: 22
HOFers: 1

Points Per Year (PPY): 18.25
PPY Rank: 22nd


17. New York Mets - 1,142 Points

New York Mets (1962- ) (New York, NY)

The Mets are the best of the expansion teams. Why, you may ask? Well, they have 2 World Series, which matches any of the other expansion teams. They've also been the most consistent of the various teams. Finally, much like the D'backs, they've had the luxury of having the league's best pitcher in two different eras - Tom Seaver and Doc Gooden.

Seasons: 47
World Series Champ.: 2
NL Champ.: 4
Division Champ.: 5
Total Playoffs: 8
Winning Seasons: 23
HOFers: 1

Points Per Year (PPY): 24.30
PPY Rank: 16th


16. Minnesota Twins - 2,019 Points

Washington Senators (1901-1960) (Washington, DC)
Minnesota Twins (1961- ) (Minneapolis, MN)

Now, you might ask why the Twins are ranked so much higher than the Mets. Only one more World Series championship, two more trips the WS, and it only took 60 more seasons. Well, again, if this is indeed about the prestige of the franchise, then you can't ignore those 60 years. The Twins (as a franchise) have 7 MVP awards and 6 HOFers. You can't just look past the 20 seasons Walter Johnson played for this franchise, and not countenance it. So, I feel like this is the point where people will tend to have the greatest disagreement, but that's my reasoning.

This team has had some solid players, but the Senators were a doormat for 60 years, which is why they aren't higher. Only in the last 20 have the Twins become an especially relevant team. Since moving to Minnesota, they've averaged nearly 30 points per season, so it's likely they will be moving up in the future (and out of the original-16 basement).

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 3
AL Champ.: 6
Division Champ.: 9
Total Playoffs: 12
Winning Seasons: 45
HOFers: 6

Points Per Year (PPY): 18.69
PPY Rank: 20th


15. Philadelphia Phillis - 2,144 Points

Philadelphia Phillies (1901-42, 1945- ) (Philadelphia, PA)
Philadelphia Blue Jays (1943-44) (Philadelphia, PA)

The Phillies are another team that is now dominant, but spent the better part of 100 years near the bottom. Only their recent success has allowed them to climb out of the 16th spot, and judging by who's ahead of them, they appear poised to move further up the rankings. With that said, no team in the league has had more seasons with a sub-.440 winning percentage (42!). That's the kind of thing that can really put you in a hole.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 2
NL Champ.: 6
Division Champ.: 8
Total Playoffs: 12
Winning Seasons: 42
HOFers: 11

Points Per Year (PPY): 20.03
PPY Rank: 18th


14. Baltimore Orioles - 2,304 Points

Milwaukee Brewers (1901) (Milwaukee, WI)
St. Louis Browns (1902-53) (St. Louis, MO)
Baltimore Orioles (1954- ) (Baltimore, MD)

The Orioles might be the most impressive team on this list. In the 53 years the team didn't play in Baltimore, they accumulated 0 points exactly. How does that happen? Well, 11 winning seasons in 53 years, plus 31 seasons spent below the .440 line will do it. No playoffs, and only 1 MVP to their credit. Like I said, it is skewed so that teams get credit just for showing up. However, the Browns just couldn't do anything with it.

Since '54, though, the Orioles have 3 titles, 3 more WS births, 5 MVP, 6 Cy Youngs and 5 HOFers. Their PPY average since '54 would be good for 7th overall.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 3
AL Champ.: 6
Division Champ.: 8
Total Playoffs: 5
Winning Seasons: 42
HOFers: 8

Points Per Year (PPY): 21.33
PPY Rank: 17th


13. Chicago White Sox - 2,747 Points

Chicago White Sox (1901- ) (Chicago, IL)

Another team that has struggled more often than it has been successful, the White Sox went 87 years without a title until they won it in 2005. Those kinds of numbers will bring you down. The real story here, though, is more a study of how polarized the teams were, as far as their talent pools, for the first 60-70 years of the league. The Sox were just another team that couldn't quite keep up.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 3
AL Champ.: 6
Division Champ.: 5
Total Playoffs: 10
Winning Seasons: 63
HOFers: 11

Points Per Year (PPY): 25.44
PPY Rank: 14th


12. Cleveland Indians - 2,880 Points

Cleveland Blues (1901) (Cleveland, OH)
Cleveland Bronchos (1902) (Cleveland, OH)
Cleveland Naps (1903-14) (Cleveland, OH)
Cleveland Indians (1915- ) (Cleveland, OH)

The Indians, too, have had far too much futility for their own good. Despite some excellent teams in the mid-'90s, they haven't won a WS since 1948. Not much separates the Indians from the White Sox, and these two teams were bottom-feeders for much the middle part of the century.

Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 2
AL Champ.: 5
Division Champ.: 7
Total Playoffs: 10
Winning Seasons: 60
HOFers: 12

Points Per Year (PPY): 26.67
PPY Rank: 13th


tie-10. Detroit Tigers - 3,230 Points

Detroit Tigers (1901- )

The AL Central is the first division to go off of the board. They also help provide for the first tie on the list. Now, I can say comfortably that the tie will be broken after this season, but for now, we're all locked up in the 10-spot.

The Tigers have boasted some greats through the years - Ty Cobb and Mickey Cochrane in the first third of the century, Al Kaline and the last 30-game winner Denny McLain in the '50s and '60s, Alan Trammell, Kirk Gibson, Lou Whitaker and Jack Morris on the great Sparky Anderson-led 1984 team, and an excellent young team now led by Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander. They sit somewhat comfortably here at 10, and look strong to at least maintain their position for the next decade.


Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 4
AL Champ.: 10
Division Champ.: 3
Total Playoffs: 12
Winning Seasons: 64
HOFers: 10

Points Per Year (PPY): 29.91
PPY Rank: tie-11th


tie-10. Cincinnati Reds - 3,230 Points

Cincinnati Reds (1901-53, 1960- ) (Cincinnati, OH)
Cincinnati Redlegs (1954-59) (Cincinnati, OH)

The Reds' legacy is far more focused than the Tigers, although it, too, involves Sparky Anderson. The Reds team of the '70s could be considered one of the best teams ever fielded - sporting such future HOFers as Johnny Bench and Joe Morgan, should-be HOFer Pete Rose, and other stars such as George Foster, Tony Perez, Dave Concepcion and Ken Griffey Sr. The Reds won 90+ games in 8 of the 10 seasons during that decade, racking up 2 WS titles, and 3 NL pennants.

They had a resurgence in the early-'90s with another WS champion team, which featured Paul O'Neill, Chris Sabo and Eric Davis. However, their success would be short-lived, as the 1990 team would only make the playoffs that one season.


Seasons: 108
World Series Champ.: 5
NL Champ.: 9
Division Champ.: 8
Total Playoffs: 12
Winning Seasons: 54
HOFers: 9

Points Per Year (PPY): 29.91
PPY Rank: tie-11th

Title Town USA: MLB Franchise Rankings 30-21

So, before I start all of this, I'm just going to give you a little more detail than I gave last time, because I think there are some things peoples might be fuzzy about right from the get-go.

So, how did I score the teams/leagues/states, etcetera? Glad you asked, but I'm not going to tell you. Well, not specifically, at least, because I prefer criticism of my posts to be superficial and argumentative, rather than being scientific even in the slightest way. First I will say that yes, the longer your team has been around, the more likely it is to be ranked highly. I thought this was a fair effect of the scoring system, since, frankly, even the worst of long-running franchises (like the Phillies - although one of MLB's best of late, they spent 100 years playing baseball before getting a World Series) still have more prestige than recent expansion teams like the Marlins, or even the Astros.

So what gets you points? Well, a good regular season record is a good start. So, the higher your winning percentage, the more points you got. It was also much easier to get points than to lose points. I didn't really want long-running teams breaking even and being behind a young team that's won a lot. That just didn't make sense to do, from my pov. Then, the obvious BIG bonus points for a championship, less for being runner-up, less still for winning your division and a real small bonus for a wild-card birth. Bonus points also came in for award winners: MVP, Cy Young, and starters on the All-Star team (again, I know it isn't quite what it used to be, but you also get a free All-Star every year, so I thought starters was a better representation of the truly exceptional players). Lastly, a rather large bonus for a HOFer. How did I determine who they played for? Well, for MLB it was easy - I went with whatever cap you're wearing on your plaque. As for the other sports, I've only done NFL so far, and for that, I went with the NFL's HOFer website - the bold guys who had extended runs with a team. So for the NFL there's some doubling-up, but we won't tell anyone about that.

So, without further ado, Franchise Rankings 30-21 (the rest will come later, and I will also have top city rankings to follow those, and then, finally, state rankings, which I've decided will include colleges, because college allegiances do heavily depend on state geographies - WVU/Pitt being a demonstration of just that).

30. TAMPA BAY RAYS - 37 Points
Tampa Bay Devil Rays (1998-2007) (Tampa, FL)
Tampa Bay Rays (2008- ) (Tampa, FL)

Clearly, God loves baseball, and didn't approve of the word "Devil" in the team's name, finally allowing the Bay to have its first winning season. Really, though, 10 straight losing seasons to start your existence makes it tough to rank high on this list. They're one of the two newest franchises, and the least successful of the 4 post-1980 expansion teams. But they're definitely moving up, and appear to be perennial AL East underdog favorites. Nonetheless, an easy pick for #30.

Seasons: 11
World Series Champ.: 0
AL Champ.: 1
Division Champ.: 1
Total Playoffs: 1
Winning Seasons: 1
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 3.36
PPY Rank: 30th


29. Colorado Rockies - 136 Points

Colorado Rockies (1993- ) (Denver, CO)

Again, what have the done? Like the Rays, they have one WS appearance to their credit, but are lacking in consistent success. They've also had a handful of exceptional players, but their stadium may be working against them as well, deadening any statistical momentum as the thin air seems to lead to inflated hitting stats.

Seasons: 17
World Series Champ.: 0
NL Champ.: 1
Division Champ.: 0
Total Playoffs: 2
Winning Seasons: 5
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 8.50
PPY Rank: 28th


28. Florida Marlins - 295 Points

Florida Marlins (1993- ) (Miami, FL)

They already have two World Series titles to their credit, but they also have a bad track record of scrapping the team as soon as they win one. Their successful seasons have been wildly successful, but they've also missed the playoffs during the other 15 seasons.

Seasons: 17
World Series Champ.: 2
NL Champ.: 2
Division Champ.:
Total Playoffs: 2
Winning Seasons: 5
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 18.44
PPY Rank: 21st


27.Washington Nationals - 313 Points

Montreal Expos (1969-2004) (Montreal, Quebec)
Washington Nationals (2005- ) (Washington, DC)

The previous incarnation of this franchise was killed by the 1994 strike, when they fielded the best team in the league, only to see the season ruined by a work stoppage. Another team stacked with talent, they boasted such stars as Moises Alou, Larry Walker, Pedro Martinez, and John Wetteland.

Alas, it was not to be, and the team that fled Canada is now looking to pick 1st for a second year in a row.

They only lead the Marlins by the slightest of margins - the Marlins do have 2 championships.

Seasons: 40
World Series Champ.: 0
NL Champ.: 0
Division Champ.: 1
Total Playoffs: 1
Winning Seasons: 16
HOFers: 2

Points Per Year (PPY): 7.83
PPY Rank: 29th

26. Seattle Mariners - 371 Points

Seattle Mariners (1977- ) (Seattle, WA)

This team has over 30 years under its belt now, but still hasn't hoisted a championship. Their rankings are sure to rise in the near future, as possible HOFers from the 1990's become eligible. Remember, the '98 team had Griffey, A-Rod and Randy Johnson on the roster, not to mention Ichiro Suzuki who will also be a HOFer as soon as he's eligible. Still, before they drafted Griffey, could anyone have named a Seattle Mariner besides Harold Reynolds?

Seasons: 32
World Series Champ.: 0
AL Champ.: 0
Division Champ.: 3
Total Playoffs: 3
Winning Seasons: 9
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 11.59
PPY Rank: 25th


25. Milwaukee Brewers - 436 Points

Seattle Pilots (1969) (Seattle, WA)
Milwaukee Brewers (1970- ) (Milwaukee, WI)

The Brewers are great for a number of reasons - Robin Yount, the old baseball glove emblem that also made up the letters "M B". Awesome. With that said, they've never really been a perennial contender. That, again, may change in the future, but with only 3 playoff appearances in 40 years, they'll need a lot of action in the coming years to move up.

Seasons: 40
World Series Champ.: 0
AL/NL Champ.: 1
Division Champ.: 2
Total Playoffs: 3
Winning Seasons: 14
HOFers: 2

Points Per Year (PPY): 10.90
PPY Rank: 26th


24. Texas Rangers - 475 Points

Washington Senators (1961-71) (Washington, DC)
Texas Rangers (1972- ) (Dallas, TX)

Imagine if the new Cleveland Browns split too. That's basically how the Texas franchise came about. Similar to the Expos, they've had their share of talent, but very little success. In fact, they may be the worst franchise in all of baseball given Tampa's recent success. But the did give us George Bush as a sports owner and Nolan Ryan kicking Robin Ventura's ass.

Oh, and after I hated on the Brewers, it's worth noting that the Rangers have the same number of playoff appearances, but through 48 years...

Seasons: 48
World Series Champ.: 0
AL Champ.: 0
Division Champ.: 3
Total Playoffs: 3
Winning Seasons: 15
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 9.69
PPY Rank: 27th


23. Arizona Diamondbacks - 495 Points

Arizona Diamondbacks (1998- ) (Phoenix, AZ)

So, how are the D'backs so high, you may ask, when the Marlins (with twice as many titles) are lagging behind. That's easy - (1) the D'backs are only one WS behind, (2) they've had enough winning seasons/division championships to make up for it and (3) five Cy Young winners in 11 years. Five! Sure, a lot of that was Randy Johnson, but let's not forget that present-day ace Brandon Webb has chipped in, too.

Seasons: 11
World Series Champ.: 1
NL Champ.: 1
Division Champ.: 4
Total Playoffs: 4
Winning Seasons: 6
HOFers: 0

Points Per Year (PPY): 45.00
PPY Rank: 5th

22. San Diego Padres - 519 Points

San Diego Padres (1969- ) (San Diego, CA)

Another team with almost no success over the last 40 seasons. Just judging from the list, I would say that the expansion of the 1960's was largely a failure. But that aside, the Pads have Tony Gwynn to their credit, and a 1998 World Series run on the shoulders of Kevin Brown. Not much else, though...

Seasons: 40
World Series Champ.: 0
NL Champ.: 2
Division Champ.: 5
Total Playoffs: 5
Winning Seasons: 15
HOFers: 1

Points Per Year (PPY): 12.98
PPY Rank: 24th


21. Kansas City Royals - 792 Points

Kansas City Royals (1969- ) (Kansas City, MO)

Again, the Royals are another one of those 1960's teams with one HOFer (see Padres - Gwynn, Brewers - Yount), but minimal success. However, the Royals do have a WS ring and an appearance in addition to that. Zach Grienke seems to be about the only thing going for them at the moment.

Seasons: 40
World Series Champ.: 1
AL Champ.: 2
Division Champ.: 7
Total Playoffs: 7
Winning Seasons: 18
HOFers: 1

Points Per Year (PPY): 19.80
PPY Rank: 19th

Coming Soon: The Real Title Town USA

So, a while back, ESPN did a thing where they tried to find "Title Town USA". Whatever that was supposed to mean, it juxtaposed places like New York (I assume) with Green Bay, WI, with random places in middle America that have historic high school teams.

Well, while a good idea, ESPN ruined it with shitty execution.

Similarly, they ran a piece on the best college basketball programs. They calculated this by assigning points for things like National Championships and All-Americans, and the like.

Well, I decided that these two ideas should be pulled together, because I thought it'd be interesting to see what town really was Title Town USA.

Now, how far do we go sports-wise? This was a complicated issue for me. Well, there are, most definitely, no high school teams. That doesn't count for shit. Sorry. I don't care if you're from Permian, Texas or Mouth of Wilson, VA. It doesn't count.

Then, I thought about colleges, but that's just too tough. Most major state universities (the ones who are presently successful in major college sports) are located in the middle of nowhere. So what do you do with Penn State - is it a Philadelphia school or Pittsburgh school? What about Cal (San Fran/Oakland?)? Notre Dame (Chicago/Indy/DETROIT?!)?

So, I decided to leave them out. Plus, I think that the list will fly better with just the 4 major sports.

So, I will not divulge my scoring system, but I will give you the point totals (which are kind of arbitrary) that I came up with, and the rankings. I'll give you the sport-by-sport rankings for the teams. And then we'll get on to the cities.

So, first up is MLB, and I'm gonna spoil the surprise a little. The Yankees rank #1.

Week 2: Bears 17, Steelers 14

I'm not really sure who is best to blame in this one. Sure, Skippy Reed is the obvious candidate - he so thoroughly blew his relatively simple job duties, and cost us the game. But there were a few other things that really, really bothered me.

Ben played fine. He started really hot, but that INT got to him. I'm not sure what it was, but he all-of-a-sudden lost confidence and started hesitating on his throws. Whatever the cause, though, he played well enough for us to win.

The running game was OK too. 22 carries, 105 yards. Can't really bitch about that. Yeah, they got stuffed a few times. But they also moved the chains on our two TD drives, so you can't gripe too much about that, either.

The receivers had a rough one. Santonio had 3 drops - 2 of them which were really unacceptable. I'm not sure if the rain was really fucking with them that bad, and maybe it was, but he had two 15-yard outs that were in his hands for first downs. The one in the end zone was a tough, tough catch, and you can't give him too hard a time for not coming up with it. Also, Mike Wallace on the last drive. Rookie mistake. 3:30 left, need 10 yards, and he makes a catch at 7, and rather than turning inside for the first, and to keep the clock moving, he gets one extra yard and steps out of bounds. That hurt both for the time, and the fact that it set up a 3d and 2 we couldn't convert.

The front 7 were fine. They were after Cutler all day, got good pressure, and stifled the run.

My issue, more than anywhere else, was with the defensive backfield. They looked lethargic, incompetent and, worst of all, disinterested. Ike Taylor hasn't looked good all year, and he looked especially bad yesterday. On one play, we got pressure up the middle, and Cutler made a HORRIBLY ill-advised under-handed toss, about 5 yards over the head of a receiver in the flat. If you watch on that play, Ike Taylor seems perfectly content to take an incompletion, when an extraordinary effort on the play (the kind that Troy gives you every play of every game) would have given him a shot at an INT. If he does have 4.25 speed, as his speed coach (the same one who coaches Chris Johnson - saying Taylor is even faster) boasts, then he's got a shot at that ball, and a HUGE play in a tightly-contested game. Rather, the ball falls incomplete and the Bears live to fight another day. I can't say that Little Evil didn't care, he's just not very good. He isn't aggressive, and on the Bears second TD, he played off 5 yards, and then at the snap, took two steps back. What the fuck? Where did he think that receiver was going to go. We brought everyone, and Carter knows this. What he needs to do is play tight, and force Cutler to make a pass under pressure, rather than sitting 4 yards deep in the end zone, and giving the receiver all the space in the world to make his cut...

So, not having Troy IS a big problem.

Anyhow, we have Cincy next week, in a rather crucial game. If we can win next week, I'll breathe again. If we lose, well, we're in trouble.

Just better hope that Ty, Ike and Skippy can bring their A-games for a change.

The Late, But Great, AFC South Preview

1. Tennessee Titans

Why I like them: Their running game is money - Chris Johnson is about as dangerous a back as there is, and LenDale White is, well, a pretty damn good number 2. Their o-line is about as strong and experienced as they come. Their defense is tough, athletic and physical. Oh, and the don't turn the ball over. They're Miami, but with a lot of talent. Collins manages the game, and avoids mistakes. When you can control the pace of a game, and avoid giving the other team easy points, you'll put yourself in position to win a lot of games.

Why I hate them: They really aren't as talented as the AFC's elite teams (by which I mean New England, Pittsburgh, Baltimore and San Diego). While Collins is a great game-manager, he isn't going to make many big plays. You aren't going beat Collins, but he's pretty easy to contain. They have NOTHING at wideout that would do anything to pull that 8th guy out of the box, and against a really good defense, they're pretty vulnerable.

As for their defense, it's really strong, and there isn't much you can say about it. However, something of note from Week 1: Tennessee can't get pressure from a 4-man rush anymore. When they were only bringing 4, even the Steelers line could set up a nice pocket. Albert Haynesworth provided a lot of penetration up the middle.

The loss of Haynesworth is going to hurt this team's pass defense more than anything.

Most likely to get arrested: Who knows... I kept trying to write this part, and Steve McNair references kept creeping in, and really, no one needs that.

So, enjoy something uplifting in this spot for a change.

Prediction: 10-6, 1st in AFC South, #4 seed in AFC Playoffs


2. Indianapolis Colts

Why I like them: Peyton Manning. A team can only be so bad with a guy this good at the helm. He's throwing to Reggie Wayne. If Anthony Gonzalez can get healthy, he is a grade-A legit #2. Dallas Clark is a superb TE, as well. No worries about their passing game.

Addai and Brown should offer a pretty solid 1-2 punch, if they can both stay healthy. This team is going to score points, and Manning will account for 4 wins just by himself.

Why I hate them: Well, as good as the passing offense is, we don't really know which, if either, running back is gonna be a factor this year. Addai hasn't been able to stay off of the injured lists recently, and even if he can, I'm not sure what he has left.

Their defense is super-suspect. I don't get it. Bob Sanders is their best player, but he's horribly overrated. Dwight Freeney is good, but you need more, and the Colts don't have it.

Plus, once we start talking playoffs, this team just straight-up can't finish. Yeah, they won the SB in '06. But that was a much better defense, and it was the defense that really stepped up and took this team to the next level. Peyton can't do it by himself, just ask Dan Marino. They need some people to start making plays, or else it's going ot be another mid-20s pick for the Colts in 2010.

Most likely to get arrested: I'm going to use this space to talk about Nick Harper. Yes, I know that Nick Harper doesn't play for the Colts any more. In fact, he now plays for the divisional arch-rival Titans. But I want to talk about something that happened in 2005. On the evening of January 14, 2005, Danielle, Nick Harper's wife, stabbed him in the leg during a domestic dispute. In doing so, she set into motion a series of events which would lead every Colts fan to forever fucking hate the Steelers so, so, so, so bad.

Actually, let's go backwards.

In 1995, the Indianapolis Colts rode the strong arm of present-day Stanford head coach Jim Harbaugh.


The 9-7 Colts (enjoying their best season in a while, I think), made the playoffs and marched past the 13-3 Chiefs, and into the AFC Championship. Well, the Steelers won that game and went on to the Super Bowl. Colts fans still believe it was under suspicious circumstances - related to Kordell Stewart, but not involving the Shenley Oval.

Anywho, flash forward to 2006. With a 21-18 lead, and after sacking Peyton Manning on 17 consecutive plays.


TIMES 17!

Well, then this happened...

Ben's Tackle


Now, no one will ever know whether the stabbing hampered Harper. He looked pretty fast moving down field, but Ben is big and slow. Not Byron Leftwich slow, but he definitely shouldn't be making plays on defensive backs.

So, anyhow, I vote for Danielle Harper.

Prediction: 10-6, 2nd in AFC South by tiebreaker, #5 seed in AFC. And those 10 wins are all Peyton Manning...

3. Houston Texans

Why I like them: On paper, man, they look awesome. Matt Schaub is a pretty solid QB. Of course, he has Andre Johnson, perhaps the most gifted wideout in the game, to throw to. He also has Owen Daniels, a pretty solid TE. Steve Slaton proved last year that he is ready to be a starter in this league, and so it finally looks like Houston has an offense.

Their defense isn't bad, and has some pretty solid pieces. Mario Williams is a bad, bad man, and I think that a lot of people are picking them to make a jump last year. They lost a handful of close games, and with a little more focus and consistency, have a chance to make a playoff run.

Fortunately for them Sage Rosenfels is long gone.


For those who don't know, the Titans had a late lead on the Colts when Rosenfels tried to jump over the whole Colts defense, hoping to travel 50 yards in the air, and land in the end zone.

Well, the ball will be out before he hits the ground, and the Texans will take one of the sadder losses of the season.

But if they can avoid crap like this, maybe they have a shot, right?

Why I hate them: They're inconsistent. Why? I dunno... Bad coaching? Bad team attitudes? No leadership? Hard to say, but their Week 1 performance isn't encouraging - getting torched for 450+ yards by a team starting a true rookie QB. They gave up 190 on the ground and close to 270 in the air. That just won't cut it. The offense didn't help either, only putting up about 180 total.

They started terrible last year - 0-4, following two blowouts and two nailbiters. They lose to Baltimore by 4 touchdowns, and then come home and almost beat Indy. They beat the Packers and then lose to the Raiders. Who can figure them?

So, if they can't be more consistent, and I'm not the first person to say this, they're looking at another 7-9/8-8-kind of season.

Most likely to get arrested: Dan Orlovsky. I just see him breaking some really obvious rule because he wasn't paying attention. Like, I can see him being that person who sits at a red light for 2 minutes, and then, because they had completely drifted off, sees the crossing signal change, and blows through the light because he thought it had turned green. Not sure why I would think that, but I just do...



Prediction: 10-6, 3rd in AFC South, no playoffs. Sorry boys, but there's just too much talent in the AFC this year.


Jacksonville Jaguars:

Why I like them: Well, they did go 11-5 a few years back, right? Went to the second round of the playoffs? Played New England tough. Their defense should be pretty solid. Garrard can manage a game, and MJD might be the most versatile back in the league. It LOOKS like they should be a playoff team. Torry Holt should help on offense, but who really knows what he has left in the tank.

Why I hate them: They have nothing on offense. In reality, Garrard is fucking terrible, and I don't understand how they gave him that much money. I've seen the guy in person, and he throws the most feeble football I have ever seen from an NFL QB. MJD is great, but who else is there? I don't see anyone to take the strong safety out of the box, and so they just simply don't have much on offense.

Oh, and they have Jack del Rio. He isn't very good. I dunno, they had one great year and invested in the guys who were not the reason for their great year. That spells trouble to me.

Most likely to get arrested: Is Matt Jones still on the team? Cause that would have been the easy one...

Hm, let's see...

Prediction: 5-11, 4th in the AFC South. They just suck...

The Late, But Great, AFC North Preview

1. The Greatest Franchise in the NFL, the PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Why I like them: They have been the consummate franchise of the last 40 years. 6 Super Bowls, 3 coaches. Each coach has at least one. Two separate periods of dominance, with a number of excellent teams in-between. Oh, and did I mention that they're my team?

Wait, that's not really what I mean by "why I like them"...

Why I like them? Defending Super Bowl Champs, returning all but what? 3 starters? Oh, and the area where they struggled most, special teams (and if you don't buy this, watch the second Ravens game where the Ravens got 9 points based solely on their ability to win the field position battle and get drives starting at midfield), they get back Dan Sepulveda and pick up Stefan Logan. They have the 3rd best QB in the league, and probably the best clutch-time QB (see John Elway). They have the best defense in the league pretty easily. Troy being out for 3-6 is hard, but its hardly crippling. Worst-case scenario, they're looking at 5-2 by the time he comes back.

They are stacked at basically every position. This is the most talented Steelers team since 1979. Anything less than a 7th championship will be a disappointment, and if they don't get it, it won't because they didn't have the talent to keep up.

Why I (don't like) them: Two places where they struggle: running game and o-line. But with that said, there was some turnover up front, and it took last year's group a while to come together.

However, it does concern me that they aren't as strong in those areas. Ben will have to be that much better to deal with teams never having to bring that 8th guy up, and never having to worry about the run. They seem capable of running against mediocre teams, but not good teams, and that could be a problem.

Most likely to get arrested: Troy Polamalu for robbery.






Prediction: 13-3, 1st in the AFC North, #2 seed in AFC. They lost out to the Pats, b/c I had the Pats going 10-2 in the AFC and the Steelers going 9-3. It's all b/c Ruben made me change my pick of the Pats/Falcons game, so blame it on him.


2. B-more Ravens

Why I like them: Serious fucking defense, as always. I hate this team, but you have to give respect to that D, which is so, so strong up the middle - Ngata, Lewis, Reed. The defense is fast and opportunistic, not to mentioned incredibly experienced.

The offense really appears to be coming together. Now, all I really have to go off is pre-season and Week 1 versus the hapless Chiefs. However, Flacco looks better every time he plays - the Steelers made him look very average last season, but the kid was only a rookie. He has a big arm and can make all the throws. Ray Rice looks sick. If this team can find 23 PPG instead of 18, this team will be very dangerous.

Why I hate them: Everyone keeps waiting for the defense to get old. Hasn't happened yet, but that doesn't mean their D isn't getting a little bit slower. This team also lost Bart Scott, and most importantly, their defensive mind in Rex Ryan. I think that the loss of Ryan is the biggest cause for concern. They shut the Chiefs down for 3 quarters last Sunday, but then in the 4th quarter, when the game had gotten tight, they gave up drives of 55 and 80 yards, good for 10 points, and enough for KC to tie the game at 24 with 8:10 left. Now, sure, Flacco bailed them out, but these are the Chiefs. This team is a bumbling mess on offense, and the Ravens D appeared to wear down. Not a good sign.

The offense looks good, but who knows what to expect, really. Derek Mason is 95 years old, and Joe Flacco isn't ready to take over this offense and make it his yet. If this team starts struggling with the run, things could be difficult. When you can run 41 times for 198 yards, it should be easy to win. Similarly, Flacco did a lot to put the Ravens in the bad spot they were in late in this game. Up 10-7 on the first drive of the second half, Flacco throws a pick that ends up back at his own 6, allowing the Chiefs to punch it in and take a short-lived 14-10 lead. Again, he recovered, but these are not mistakes they can make against stepped-up competition in teams like Pittsburgh, New England, and Indianapolis.

Most likely to get arrested: Joe Flacco. After a late night at a local club, another patron asks Flacco where Ernie is.


Well, you can use your imagination as to where this story goes next.

Prediction: 10-6, 2nd in AFC North, Wild-Card. Schedule is a little bit tougher. Should be right there, though, and expect them to be playing in a road playoff game that first week. Maybe we'll be lucky, and get a rematch of last years divisional playoffs with Tennessee.


t - 3. Cincinnati Bungles

Why I like them: Ugh. Carson Palmer has a big arm, and throws a nice football... Chad Ochocinco is the only person in the entire world with that last name, which makes him pretty awesome. Er. Um. Man, not even anything to look forward to in the future. Man. Um, Chris Henry is tough to cover, too...... Cedric Benson was good at Texas. Hm.

Rey Maualuga, though. That might turn out to be the steal of the draft.

Why I hate them: Marvin Lewis is a terrible football coach who wouldn't know the concepts of "class", "professionalism" or "hard-work" if they were physical objects, and the physical objects of those items hit him square in the face.

Carson Palmer is HUGELY overrated. People like him because he looks like a QB. So did Jeff George, though.

Chad Johnson is really the only proven playmaker on offense, and their line isn't that great. Can't run, can only kinda pass.

Oh, and their defense is lame. Maualuga can be great, but I'm worried that he's on such a disorganized and undisciplined team.

Most likely to get arrested: Take you pick. Seriously, it could happen to any of them.

Prediction: 5-11, t-3rd in AFC North. No playoffs. Marvin Lewis FINALLY gets fired, and the Bungles can take a shot at putting the pieces together for real this time.

t - 3. Cleveland Browns

Why I like them: They are trying to put the pieces together. Who knows what Brady Quinn will become. I don't think he'll ever be elite, but I think he could be a Trent Green/Matt Hasselbeck type at his peak, and both of those guys proved that they could win. Braylon Edwards is a physical freak, who can be as good as he puts his mind to. And most importantly, they are building a damn good o-line. Joe Thomas is the next superstar LT, and Alex Mack was a guy I wanted the Steelers to take big time. He's smart, and has a mean streak. That line is damn good, and you can go a long way based just on the offensive line.

Why I hate them: Brady Quinn is as-yet unproven, Jamal Lewis is getting damn old, and Braylon Edwards is a head case.

No defense to speak of, and an offense that has scored, what, 2 offensive touchdowns in the last 28 quarters?!?!?!

You ain't gonna win many like that. I think the offense will be better, but not that good, and the defense stinks. AP is good, but nobody's that good if the defense is willing to put up any kind of fight........

Most likely to get arrested: You know, I have a bad feeling about Quinn, not gonna lie. Public intoxication. Or, perhaps, indecent exposure. I dunno, his decision making seems to be a little off every once in a while.


Prediction: 5-11, tied-3rd AFC North. Moving in the right direction, but not close yet.....

The Late, But Great, AFC East Preview

So, I apologize to all of our faithful readers (i.e. Ruben, Mrs. Ruben), for the lateness of the AFC preview portion. I know that at least 50% of our readership complained, and that is, frankly, unacceptable.

However, it also gives me the insight (or misdirection) of having seen a weeks-worth of football. So, without further ado...

AFC EAST

1. Foxboro Patriots

Why I like them: Tom Brady. Simple as that. Well, maybe not quite that simple, but Randy Moss and Wes Welker might be the best receiving tandem in the league (with due-respect for Fitzgerald/Boldin). However, Moss and Welker have the best QB in the league throwing to them (unlike Fitzgerald and Boldin who have a retread version of Kurt Warner). A lot of the usual prognosticators have been up-in-arms about how awesome the Pats are going to be this year. And while it is true that they will potentially have the best passing attack in the league again this year, following the 2007 campaign where the offense was next to unstoppable.

Clearly, Brady is a little rusty, but he did look as good as always in the last couple minutes, and, most importantly, down near the goal line. It won't take him long to be back to his old tricks, and their offense should be top 3 once again.

Ultimately, this is a team that went 16-0 in 2007 with Brady, and 11-5 in 2008 without him. What that says to me is that there is a pretty decent team around him. Additionally, the AFC East is worse than it was last year. The 'fins have a tougher schedule, the Jets have a rookie QB and the Bills continue to be, well, the Bills. I just can't see this team not winning its division and at least getting a shot in the playoffs.

Why I hate them: Well, the past few years, everyone had been concerned with their defense getting old. Well, they finally cut a lot of those guys loose, but it leaves one with the question of who is left on defense for them. Even Bill Simmons is wondering, calling for the Pats to put up 900 points (combined between their offense and defense) and I can't really argue with him on that. Just an aside though - he said the Pats would be the first - and in fact, they would at least be the third if it happens.

Both the 2000 Rams and the 2004 Chiefs hit those magical numbers - the Rams at 1,011 (541-470) and the Chiefs at 918 (483-435). But I think those are good teams to look at. Both the Rams and Chiefs were coming off dominant seasons. The Rams had cruised to a Super Bowl win at 14-2 in 1999. Best offense in the league - Warner, Faulk, Holt, Bruce, the "Greatest Show on Turf" - and a solid, but not dominant defense. Same thing for the Chiefs... 13-3 in 2003 on the back of Green, Holmes and Gonzalez. Again, decent but not stifling defense. A few changes caused the defenses to fall apart, and all of a sudden you had two teams that were top-3 in offense and bottom-3 in defense. What happened? Rams go 10-6, bow out in the first round of the playoffs. The Chiefs? 7-9, no playoffs at all.

I don't necessarily see such an awful fate for the Pats, but if their defense is that bad, they're going to struggle to be successful even with the great Brady-Moss-Welker hookup. They did not look good against the Bills, at all. The Bills offense might be the worst offense in the league, and yet they looked in-control and competent for 58 minutes of that game. I'm not saying the Pats are doomed to go 7-9, I'm just saying that if the D doesn't get it together, they will be in trouble.

With that said, the Bills game showed us a lot. Neither Warner nor Green was as deadly a QB as Brady is, when given the slightest of openings.

Most Likely to Get Arrested: Bill Bellichick. Tax evasion. No man looks for an advantage anywhere he can find it more than Bellichick. I imagine that a close inspection of his tax returns would lead you to find that he has claimed the entire 53-man roster as dependents for each of the past 9 seasons.

And we can only hope Randy Moss would counsel him on how to pay the fines.



Predicted Finish: 13-3, First in the AFC East (#1 Seed based on tiebreaker). Yeah, yeah, I know, I just talked about how much worse they could be. But they did go 16-0, and their schedule really isn't all that hard. They have an average-strength schedule, but not too many tough road games. They have Indy and New Orleans on the road, but beyond that, not much to worry about. So, yes, once again, they will reign supreme in the east, and have a week off before playing for a spot in the AFC Championship.


2. Miami Gardens Dolphins

Why I like them: Solid defense and good coaching. Can't say much about their offense, except that Ronny Brown and Ricky Williams make a solid 1-2 punch. Plus, Chad Pennington doesn't turn the ball over and the team doesn't fumble. This shows good coaching and a lot of experience, and is not something that really comes and goes. They did play a good schedule, but it was avoiding turnovers that really saved them.

Plus, they are NOT a 1-15 team under any circumstance. How anybody could think that Cam Cameron was a good idea is beyond me. He ruined the Indiana University program and he nearly ruined the Dolphins. Seriously, he's a complete asshat (Rich Kotite-esque, I would say), and Tony Sporano is very solid. That alone was worth 5-6 wins last year. Sporano came up with the wildcat, and I'm sure will find a way to utilize his players in unusual ways this year, too.

Why I hate them: They aren't really that talented. No one on their team has the ability to take a game over, and the mostly run on system and discipline, meaning that their ceiling is a lot lower than some teams.

Also, they play a much tougher schedule this year, as evidenced by their opening-week loss at Atlanta. They're also stuck facing New Orleans, Pittsburgh, Tennessee, San Diego, and Indianapolis this year, which will be no easy task compared to their cupcake schedule from last year.

Most likely to get arrested: Jason Taylor. After a long night in Coconut Grove, a drunk Ruben wanders out into the street, only to see his biggest Dolphins man crush, Jason Taylor. Ruben walks over and tries to rub Taylor perfectly shaven head. Taylor does not take kindly to this, and throws Ruben through the window of a nearby drinkery.

Predicted finish: 10-6, 2nd in the AFC East, out of the playoffs. I had them in a 3-way tie for two spots, and just couldn't put them ahead of the other 2 teams. They didn't all play head-to-head, and had identical conference records. Since they hadn't played 4 common opponents, it went to strength of victory (+/- points), and I just couldn't give it to them.


3. East Rutherford Jets

Why I like them: Well, they have some good pieces on defense. Darrell Revis will be a top-5 corner very very soon. Rex Ryan also knows how to coach a defense, and will have them in top form. On the offensive side, Mark Sanchez was the best QB taken in the draft, and has a lot of poise. Since his arm is good enough and he seems to have NFL accuracy, I think he has all the makings of a franchise QB for the Jets. Their o-line is money and their running game is solid. Plus, this is a team that started 8-3 last year until Favre's arm died. They're a solid team, with a lot of potential.

Why I hate them: Rookie QB, a tough division and an even tougher conference. I think Sanchez will be good, but both Flacco and Ryan were exceptional situations. The Falcons were coming off a 3-13 season and played a cupcake schedule. The Ravens finished poorly 2 years ago as well, and had an easy schedule. On top of it, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed looked like 25 year olds again. Still, the Ravens had it rough against tougher competition.

The Jets are coming off a 9-7 campaign, and their division is better now. I just think that there will be too many games where Sanchez won't be able to avoid the rookie mistakes enough to get them a win.

Most likely to get arrested: Buddy Ryan. I know he doesn't play or coach for them, but I bet he'll be at some of the games. He gets a few in him, watches the team get down by 21 points, and then this happens.



How does he looks at himself in the mirror? Seriously, tell me that I'm not the only one who watched this video, saw the all-to-serious double fist-pump at the end, and immediately felt the insatiable urge to punch Mike Greenberg (or the first Jets fan I were to come across if that happened to not be Mike Greenberg) right in the face.

"You're not alone, Andy". - Buddy Ryan

That's an exact quote. He's got my back.

And Fireman Ed (who is a fireman just like Cam Cameron is a head coach, by which I mean he got fired - or at least that's what I've heard...anyhow, he sucks) gets his comeuppance.

Prediction: 6-10, 3rd in the AFC East. Sorry, Jets fans, but its gonna take a year. Seriously watch out for these guys in 2010, though.

4. Orchard Park Bills

Why I like them: Tons of potential. Trent Edwards is getting on towards his 4th season, which is usually when decent young QBs take the next step. Marshawn Lynch is solid when healthy. Terrell Owens is still a top-20 wideout. The defense isn't bad, and with a few good bounces, they could really make some noise, especially playing the dregs of the AFC.

Dick Jauron did have a good season in Chicago. An opportunistic defense can do a lot, and frankly, the Bills defense, though not great, isn't bad.

Why I hate them: No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. Why? Because no one has to circle the wagons as often as the Buffalo Bills.



Man, this team stinks, and their luck stinks too. While I may dream of a good offense in Buffalo, the fact of the matter is that they suck. They need to invest in a QB, period. Trent Edwards isn't the answer. Marshawn Lynch is flakey, and Terrell Owens is a desperation move. He's got nothing left. With Posluzny out for 6 weeks, that defense lost its centerpiece. Man, this team is gonna be a bummer to watch.

They outplayed New England on Monday, and still shat the bed. That's a bad omen. You can't blow chances like that. This team is toast, even more than they were.

Most Likely to Get Arrested: Marshawn Lynch. Well, that was easy. I'll let you take your pick, but this guy is on the Pacman Jones track, I tell you.

Prediction: 5-11, 4th in the AFC East. Ouch. At least they'll have a top-10 pick TO SPEND ON A QB. Did someone say Colt McCoy?

Belated Thoughts on the Steeler's 13-10 Victory Over Titans...

Last Thursday, the NFL season kicked off in Pittsburgh. After a lot of pacing, a bunch of Yuengling's and one warm Wood Chuck Granny Smith Cider, the Steelers had a tough earned victory against the Tennessee Titans. The Steelers always seem to have issues with, with Tennessee whether it's Joe Nedney being a little bitch or big fat LenDale White stomping on a Terrible Towell.

The cliche goes "a win is a win" and there's nothing more true after last Thursday. Tennessee was 13-3 last year and the number one seed in the AFC, so it's not like they were a pushover. They and their recovering alcoholic forty-something year old quarterback had a lot to prove after last years playoff choke. They had a top three defense last year. A hard fought 13-10 overtime victory was fine. So here are some of our quick thoughts on the game:

Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall didn't look sharp. The offensive line is still an improving work in progress and the Tennessee defense was 6th in rushing yards per game and second in points last year. Anyone clammoring for Mewelde Moore needs to calm down as well. He did no better running the ball than Parker or Mendenhall. He played great as a third down back when the Steelers were slinging the ball. He's great at being that kind of back, and he will continue to have that roll.

Special Teams have us downright excited. Sepulveda's first punt went farther than all of Paul Ernster's punts combined last year and a majority of Mitch Bergers. It's great to have Sepulveda back. Stefan Logan is fantastic. Not only can he break one at any time, he makes people miss and moves the ball forward on returns. Moving the ball forward alone on kick and punt returns is a huge upgrade from last year.

Santonio Holmes had the same exact game numbers wise as he did in the Super Bowl. He looks ready to take the leap we all thought he was going to last season.

We have no problem with Hines Ward. Hines thought he could possibly score and leave no doubt about making or missing a field goal on a night in which Rob Bironas, one of the leagues best kickers, missed twice from inside 40. Hines has earned the right to make mistakes like that. It wasn't carelessness, it was just a lucky strip by Tennessee.

Troy: heal up. We'll miss you. But it's a Dick LeBeau defense and the Steelers will find a way. Someone will step it up. It's not like this is the first time Troy's been injured.

Up Next: the Brian Urlacherless Chicago Bears and Jay Cutler's fat neck/chin.

Your Random Mid 80's to Early 90's Baseball Player of the Day is: Matt Nokes!

Your Random Mid 80's to Early 90's Baseball Player of the Day is: Matt Nokes.

Quick question: if we told you Matty Nokes was one of the top 500 home run hitters of all time, would you believe us?

Matty Nokes is in fact one of the top 500 home run hitters of all time. He has 136 home runs. The cut off is 134, so Matty, along with other surprises such as Pedro Feliz, the Molina who's name doesn't start with a J, Trot Nixon, Steve Buchelle and Matt Lawton, Matty can call himself one of the top 500 home run hitters of all-time. Frankly, that is a lot more impressive than it sounds. 134 home runs isn't all that impressive if Trot Nixon and Matt Lawton did it.

How did Matty do it? Well he took the road less traveled. He had a break out rookie year and it was all downhill from there. He hit 32 home runs, batted .289 and knocked in 89 runs in his rookie year in 1987, all career highs for Matty.

However, don't let this career .254 hitter fool you into thinking he's just some average shlub. You too can strive to be like Matty and a top 500 all-time home run hitter by going to "The Art of hitting your way" at http://www.mattnokes.com/. By following Matty's "Ride and Stride Drills", you can, and we're directly quoting Matty's site:

"Eliminates the jumpy feelings at the plate."

"Enhances rotationaly stability and dynamic balance."

"Increases torque and accelleration with proper rhythm."

"Allows the hitter to find his center of rotation and eliminating any leaking of energy."

"Dancing with the pitcher is often misunderstood; Executing this program keeps it simple so you can keep your mind free of distractions."

With advice like that, we don't know how we wouldn't be able to make the top 500 home run hitters club with one of the Molina brothers.

But not only was Matty the 1987 third place finisher for Rookie of the Year in the AL, inFebruary 2000 prior to spring training, Matt landed his high performance Lancair IV airplane on the south bound (I-15) freeway at Rancho Bernardo Road. So take that Sully Sullenberger. Also, according to his Baseball Reference.com sponsor, Matty is the only person Barb W. would leave her husband for. So he has that going for him, which is nice.

So here's to you, Matty Nokes, our Mid 80's to Early 90's Random Baseball Player of the Day, you may have hit only 136 home runs, but you've made much more than 136 baseball dreams possible.

Ruben's NFC Preview: NFC East!

New York Giants
Predicted Record: 10-6
Predicted Finish: NFC East Champions
The Skinny: I'm indifferent on the New York Football Giants. However, a good friend of mine, The Lowe, who tragically passed away this year, was the biggest New York Football Giants fan I know. So as much as I hate Eli Manning, I'm rooting for the G-Men this year. About the only question mark they have is wide reciever. They did lose Derrick Ward, but Jacobs and Bradshaw form a solid 1-2 punch at running back. Eli is Eli. They lack a 1a wide receiver. The defense is still stout, the defensive line was bad ass before they signed Chris Canty. They rush the passer like none other. Kenny Phillips is ready to take a leap. They should win the division. The playoffs? That's another question all together. If pressed for a prediction, I would say that I believe the Giants will win at least 10 games and take the division, but fall short of the NFC Championship when their lack of recievers shows.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: The obvious choice here would be Antonio Pierce, who played A.C. to Plaxico's O.J. in the nightclub incident. But we're going to give Mr. Pierce the benefit of the doubt after his successful Grand Jury appearance. We're going to go with Ahmad Bradshaw, who was arrested while at UVA and Marshall in college. Old habits die hard.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: The food the Giants put out for the media during their training camp, is some of the most exquisite I’ve tasted over all the years of visiting training camps. The salted pork is particularly divine. If the food is any indication of the type of season Eli Manning is going to have, I say the Giants fans are in for one tasty morsel.

Philadelphia Eagles
Predicted Record: 9-7
Predicted Finish: Second in NFC East.
The Skinny: Well, their GM proclaimed them the best team in the league, and their middle linebacker promptly tore his ACL and was lost for the season. They signed a ex-con QB who hasn't played in two years to back up their already notoriously sensitive starting QB. Their midget RB just hit 30 (although they did replace him with Shady McCoy, who's going to be a stud). Their top three receivers are all under six feet tall (or barely six feet tall) run fast and shy away from contact. They lost their defensive captain to Denver. They lost their excellent defensive coordinator to cancer. I know everyone likes this team, but it just seems like they've got a lot of issues. Plus, in recent years, the Eagles don't make sense. When you think they're poised to win, the suck. When they have Jeff Garcia at QB, they make playoff runs. You do the math. I don’t like Brian Westbrook’s health and I don’t like McNabb to play healthy all 14 games. The Michael Vick move ruins any chance Kevin Kolb had. There are more questions than answers here.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Conventional wisdom would suggest Mr. Vick. But we're not conventional here at Operation Shutdown. We're gonna go with both of Andy Reid's sons. We just believe that a dog fighting addiction is easier to kick than an addiction to traffic accidents, shotguns, hollow point bullets, booze, marijuna, cocaine and heroin. Just sayin'.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: When I did my last USO Tour to Afghanistan, I shared a fantastic cup of tea, courtesy of the U.S. Army (don't worry Starbucks, it didn't compare to the Tazo English Breakfast), I spent time with Kevin Curtis for the first time, and he is a remarkable human being. Just spending 20 minutes with Kevin, I knew that this is going to be a special season for the Eagles. Call it a hunch.

Dallas Cowboys
Predicted Record: 8-8
Predicted Finish: Third in NFC East
The Skinny: The cliche is "addition by subtraction". This typically isn't a negative thing when Terrell Owens is involved. Also, Tony Romo is now single after having kicked Jessica Simpson and her floundering career to the curb. The trendy line is "who the fuck is Romo going to throw the ball to?". Well, they are basically replacing T.O. with Roy "The Legend" Williams. Sure, Williams gets hurt a lot, but does have number one wideout talent. Romo still has his boy Witten, and word out of camp is that Rapper/Tight End Martellus Bennett has looked sick. They've got three quality running backs in Marion Barber, Felix Jones and Tashard Choice. On the defensive side, they still have DeMarcus Ware. They replaced Chris Canty with Super Ukranian Jew Deluxe Igor Olshansky. It's a weird team. I keep thinking they fired Wade Phillips three years ago, but somehow he is still there. Somehow, I think they are in that 7-9, 8-8, 9-7 range which would put them on the outside of the playoffs and pushing the Eagles for second in the division. I like a huge Fantasy Year for Jason Witten and a jettisoning of Wade Phillips either during the season, or immediately after, followed by a Mike Shannahan or Bill Cowher hiring.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: With Pac-Man Jones gone, we’re going to go with Tony Romo. Sure, he seems like a likable guy. He’s cute. He’s dated Carrie Underwood, Jessica Simpson and Nate from Gossip Girl’s real life sister. It’s about time Tony Romo takes a ride on the “jilted ex-lover” accuses him of something he did or probably didn’t do. (Editors note: this was written prior to Shawn Merriman alledgedly treating Tila Tequilla as an unprotected quarterback and possibly doing the Lights Out Dance over her bruised and battered body).
What Peter King Would Say About Them: There just seems to be a bad aura around Dallas these days. I don’t mean that in a nasty way, it’s just, I believe that America’s Team can do better. I think I think that Jerry Jones should take a cue from President Obama and institute some “change we can believe in”. I love that line. It makes me believe that once again America can be great as it’s always been. I think I think the Dallas Cowboys are the quintessential American story. They have a comeback in them. I’m just not sure it’s this year. Be patient Cowboy nation, change you WILL believe in is a coming.

Washington Redskins
Predicted Record:7-9
Predicted Finish: Last in NFC East
The Skinny: Well, they tried like hell to find someone to replace Jason Campbell and failed miserably. Now they have to try and convince Campbell that he is still the man. Clinton Portis remains incredibly underrated both on (doesn't take plays off) and off the football field (Coach Janky Spanky, Southeast Jerome). He was off to a smoking start last season before tailing off in the second half of the season. I still think Portis has 1-2 more solid years left in him. They brought in crazy Albert Haynesworth for crazy guaranteed money and drafted Brian Orapko (an ultimate boom-bust prospect) and converted Orapko to linebacker to help sure up the defense. While we do love Santana Moss and Antwan Randle-El, they have fucking midgets for wide receivers. Last year’s rookies Devin Thomas and Malcolm Kelly both failed to impress last year. In any other division, we’d like the Redskins a lot more, but they’re clearly the fourth best team in the division.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Chris Cooley. Listen, the guy's entertaining whether he's blogging, wearing daisy dukes, or hosting a fantasy draft. But let's face it, anyone who reads deadspin has seen his cock. It's just a matter of time before Cooley gets liqoured up in Adam's Morgan and whips it out for some unimpressed co-ed who is an Eagles fan, takes a picture with her iPhone, and Cooley ends up on The Smoking Gun.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: I keep waiting for Jason Campbell to take the leap I know that he is capable of, but it has yet to happen. The Redskins tried darned hard to replace him this year, and after talking to him, I think I think it’s pushed him to be the best darned QB he can be. I see a sneaky season where the Redskins hang around the playoff picture well into November behind a Pro Bowl caliber season from Jason. I think I think 23 touchdowns and 11 picks.

Ruben's NFC Preview: NFC South!

New Orleans Saints
Predicted Record: 11-5
Predicted Finish: NFC South Champion. Lose in NFC Championship.
The Skinny: They can score a shit load of points. They can give up a shitload of points. Drew Brees slings the fucking ball all over the field. Marques Colston, Lance Moore, Devery Henderson, Robert Meachum, Jeremy Shockey, Reggie Bush, and Pierre Thomas might not all be names as big as Kim Kardashian’s ass, but they all can contribute. Pierre Thomas looks ready to seize the feature back roll relegating Reggie Bush to a modern day Via Sikahema. Bush will catch plenty of balls (hopefully not with his mouth), and return a punt here and there, but he’s certainly not going to “revolutionize” the position. For “revolutionizing the position” labels on former draft picks, see: Vick, Michael and Young, Vince for reference. Ronnie Harmon, Eric Metcalf, and Larry Centers were all running backs who could catch the ball, and they all had mediocre NFL careers, so Reggie Bush has that to look forward to. Honestly, every year, one team jumps from mediocrity to a lucky season and NFC Championship Potential (some people use the word “fluke” to describe such). I think it’s New Orleans. They play offense better than any other team not named New England and the play in the NFC. Because they do one thing better than 31 other NFL teams, I see New Orleans making some noise this year. I think Drew Brees has an MVP award in the near future. I also kinda like New Orleans because I think they have cool jerseys and I’ve been a big Drew Brees fan since his days at Purdue. Growing up in Miami and not being a Dolphin fan but a Dolphin follower (I don’t like the team, I’ve seen so much of them and know such much about them that I’m almost a fan by default), I’m still perplexed they passed on Drew Brees twice (once in the draft when they needed a QB and WR and took a midget cornerback over Brees and Miami Native Chad Ocho Cinco and once when they opted for Daunte Culpepper in free agency).
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: (Editors Note: there was an entire rant here regarding Drew Brees’ mother being the most likely to get arrested, but following her mysterious and untimely death, we’ve decided to withhold from said rant)
What Peter King Would Say About Them: There are few things as Louisiana as eating oyster po boys in the French Quarter while watching Drew Brees land perfectly thrown balls into the outstretched arms of the massive/marvelous Marcus Colston and the dimunitive/dynamite Lance Moore. Drew is a football player. Drew will win an MVP award soon. I would take him over almost any other quarterback in the league, especially Ben Roethlisberger.

Atlanta Falcons
Predicted Record: 10-6
Predicted Finish: Second in NFC South, Wild Card, Loss in Wild Card Weekend
The Skinny: It’s no secret that people think the Falcons season last year was a fluke and that they are destined for disappointment this year. They went 11-5 last year and snatched a wild card berth behind a rookie quarterback and an awful season the year before. I’m not so sure they’re as big a fluke as everyone makes them out to be. The Steelers were 6-10 in 2003. For the 90’s and early 00’s the Steelers were stuck with a craptastic carousel of quarterbacks and snuck into one Super Bowl behind an immobile QB who looked much older than he was. The Falcon’s weren’t that different. Then they took Matt Ryan. The people “in the know” said rookie quarterbacks couldn’t succeed. Ben ended up winning the Rookie of the Year and went to the AFC title game. Ryan won the Rookie of the Year and went to the playoffs. Now we don’t think Ryan is nearly as good as Ben, and the Falcons defense isn’t anywhere close to the Steelers defense. That being said, we don’t think Ryan takes the Falcons to the Super Bowl, but we do think the Falcons aren’t going to drop off the map. They got a QB with moxie in Ryan, a workhorse RB in Michael Turner, and a top 10 WR in Roddy White. On top of that, they had one of the best offseason moves in trading for Tony Gonzalez. The defense will get better and we don’t think it’s crazy to think the Falcons go 10-6 and take another wild card.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Third String QB John Parker Wilson who has the name and the look of pure trust fund douchebaggery. He’s going to have a lot of free time at bars to tell women “John Parker Wilson, NFL Quarterback.” Free time at bars + trust fund douchebaggery = DUI.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: The traffic in Atlanta is terrible. I’m not quite sure how anybody can stand the traffic in this town. I was simply trying to drive from Hartsfield Jackson (Atlanta’s airport, which has Starbucks aplenty) to my hotel in Buckhead, which is right next to this fantastic little Greek Café named Café Agora, seriously, go, see Al there, who is probably back from Greece and tell him to feed you and you will be amazed. Almost as amazed as when you see the Falcons repeat what they did last year.

Carolina Panthers
Predicted Record: 7-9
Predicted Finish: Third in NFC South
The Skinny: Yuck. You look at them and they really don’t look all that bad. You look at them again and they really don’t look all that good. You see DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart and pencil them in for 12-4 and a division title. You see Jake Delhomme and you pencil them in for 4-12. Steve Smith when healthy and drama free is a force: 11-5. Steve Smith separated something and just punched the long snapper for calling him short: 5-11. Julius Peppers just sacked The Statue formerly known as Byron Leftwich for the 4th time this game: 10-6. Julius Peppers ate too much Carolina BBQ and is pouty about his contract: 6-10. Jon Beason is healthy and Mushin Muhammed is alive: 9-7. Jon Beason is hurt and Mushin Muhammed is a corpse: 7-9. Where does that leave us? 8-8. That makes sense. Jake Delhomme. Fuck. 7-9. Yeah, it’s 7-9, Jake sucks that much.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Steve Smith’s years of punching incredibly inferior teammates in meetings, practices, bar mitzvah’s, etc. finally catches up with him and one teammate he punched files charges after being released.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: You want to trust Jake. You believe you can trust. You think deep down that you can depend on Jake. But, and I feel terrible saying this because Jake is as nice a player and human being as you’ll find in the NFL, but you can’t trust Jake. Not after that historically infamous performance against the Cardinals in the playoffs last year. Keep your head up Jake.

Tampa Bay Bucs
Predicted Record: 3-13
Predicted Finish: Last in NFC South
The Skinny: Turd Sandwich or Giant Douche? Turd Sandwich or Giant Douche? Can the answer be both? With this team, of course. I think this will be the worst team in the NFL this year. I can’t see them winning more than four games. I’d be absolutely shocked if they won more than two games. They just made puzzling decisions all around. I’m sure Chuckie Gruden wore out his welcome because he is a giant fucking sourpuss, but they gave the head coaching job to a 33 year old guy who was barely more than a defensive assistant in the NFL all because they let Mike Tomlin slip away a few years ago? They let Jeff Garcia and his AARP card go and replaced him with The Statue Formerly Known as Byron Leftwich? The Statue can’t run and it takes from the time you start reading this word until the time you finish reading this section for him to wind up and release the fucking ball. They signed Giants backup Derrick Ward to be part of a three headed running back committee with 5’8 (and at least 2 feet of that 5’8 being his head) Earnest Graham and Cadillac Williams and his two knee replacements, one artificial Bo Jackson hip, and Will Smith’s arm from I-Robot? That’s going to win games? They’re expecting another Pro Bowl year from Antonio Bryant? Somehow, Michael Clayton (not the George Clooney version) is still a starting wide receiver for them? Was Willie Gault busy? The defense is a mess too as the sent the always classy and always steady Derrick Brooks packing. They just suck.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Stylez G. White, defensive end.. Formerly known as Greg White, he decided to legally change his name because of the movie Teen Wolf. He also played in the Arena League. Clearly, he is insane and capable of anything.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: Sitting in Fenway, I realized that Dustin Pedroia plays the game the way it should be played.