Ruben's NFC Preview: NFC West!

Arizona Cardinals
Predicted Record: 10-6
Predicted Finish: NFC West Champions, lose in Wild Card Weekend
The Skinny: The Arizona fucking Cardinals made the Super Bowl last year and nearly won it. Repeat that to yourself a few times and see if you still believe it. Like the Falcons and the Dolphins, I’m sure a lot of people expect a big let down from The Buzzsaw (or whatever the sell out assholes from Deadspin call them. While I don’t think they’re going to the Super Bowl again, I do believe they’ll win what is by far the crappiest division in the NFC. People think Kurt Warner won’t stay healthy, but I digress. You can’t ever forget the role that Jesus has played in Warner’s career. Everything that has happened in Warner’s career is because Jesus wanted it to happen. We all thought after he left the Rams his deal with the devil was up. But I think we were all wrong in doubting the power of Jesus. In fact, I hope Warner stays around next year and The Buzzsaw drafts Tim Tebow because we know Matt Leinert has no future. This would be the ultimate WWJD scenario. I mean with Tebow and Warner on the same team, what would Jesus do? Anyway, the Cardinals still have Fitz, Boldin and Breaston, added Beanie Wells, and have an opportunistic defense. Plus they fucking play in the NFC West. I say they win the division.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Herman Johnson, offensive lineman. Herman, which is a great name, is currently 6’7 and 382 pounds. At birth, Herman was 15 pounds, 14 ounces which is the largest baby ever born in the state of Louisiana. People that large are scary and clearly capable of anything.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: I love the fire and passion that Coach Whisenhunt brings to the office every day. There’s no question he turned around that Cardinals franchise and it all began with the simple philosophy of changing the way the Cardinals think and act. I think I think Coach Whisenhunt is going to be a top of the line coach in this league for a very long time. Will it be in Arizona? That’s the question.

Seattle Seahawks
Predicted Record: 8-8
Predicted Finish: Second in NFC West
The Skinny: Were they as bad as their 4-12 season last season indicated? No I don’t think they are 4-12 bad. Do I still think them and their fans are a bunch of whiny latte sipping yuppies? Of course I do. Matt Hasselbeck is definitely not as cool as he thinks he is, but he’s a top 15 quarterback in the league. They drafted Aaron Curry out of Wake Forrest who is about as safe a draft pick as you can have. He’s going to be solid for them. New pick up T.J. Houshmandzadeh spent the offseason whining about his rating in Madden so we know where his head is out. They signed Edgerrin James, but their starting running back, Julius Jones, smokes a pack of cigrarettes a day. Warrants mentioning. They’ve got a mediocre defense, some descent wideouts and a descent quarterback in a crappy division. They may make it to .500, but they’ll struggle to get there.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Mansfield Chell Wrotto, Jr., offensive lineman. Come on, with a name like that, he possibly cannot be up to any good. It’s almost like the name was made for a one of those wacky mugshots they have up on The Smoking Gun. If I sent you a link saying “Mansfield Chell Wrotto, Jr.’s Mugshot” and this was the guy would you be surprised? I think not.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: Coffeenerdness: Now maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s actually something true, but whenever I come to Seattle, the Starbucks Italian Roast which is my favorite blend in the world, it’s bold with hints of sweet chocolate notes, always tastes extra special. If I didn’t know any better, I would think I think that Starbucks saves the best Italian Roast beans and uses them only in Seattle. It’s truly an amazing experience.

San Francisco 49ers
Predicted Record: 6-10 (don't like this, but caved to Riley)
Predicted Finish: Third in NFC West
The Skinny: I wanted to pick them to win the division based on the simple fact that coach Mike Singletary, who was awesome in Tecmo Super Bowl, got so angry at them last year, he dropped his pants at halftime to make a point. That’s worth some serious props on its own. They can’t sign Michael Crabtree, arguably the best player in the draft that should not have been there when they picked and he’s exactly what they need. Using an incredibly tired sports writing cliché, Patrick Willis is the best player you’ve never heard of. Seriously, the middle linebacker has crazy skill. As much as I like Shawn Hill as a sneakily quality quarterback this year, I don’t like that his top wideouts are Isaac Bruce and Josh Morgan. They always seem to be on the right track, yet they always seem to end up mediocre. This year won’t be any different.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Joe Nedney, kicker. He’s an asshole and he fucking deserves it for being a pussy and a flopper.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: I love the intensity Mike Singletary has brought to this 49ers team. If the 49ers play at even half of the intensity of their coach, than I think I think the ever continuous rebuilding project in San Francisco will be complete soon. Mike Singletary’s passion is something I see in my dear friend Paul Zimmerman, who most of you know as Dr. Z. Best wishes to you Dr. Z and your lovely wife Linda. We all miss you here.

St. Louis Rams
Predicted Record: 3-13
Predicted Finish: Last in NFC West
The Skinny: Well they watched Kurt Warner return to Super Bowl with the Arizona fucking Cardinals so that happened. They had the second overall pick in the draft and took a lineman who was a two star recruit at Baylor as a tight end and could barely break an 80 rating in NCAA Football 08 on the PS3 which is really bad if you’ve ever looked at ratings in an NCAA video game. Marc Bulger has aged faster than Meg Ryan. Steven Jackson is wasted there. They have Howie Long’s kid on defense. Donnie Avery is their number one receiver. I don’t think they have Dane Looker anymore, but if they did, he’d be their number two receiver. If I’m a Rams fan I just vomited in my mouth. I think it’s going to be a bad season for them.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Leonard Little, defensive end. He deserves it. In 1998, he got drunk, drove, and killed someone and did about 60 more days in a correctional facility than Donte Stallworth, and about about 630 less than Plaxico Burress is going to do in a correctional facility for accidentally shooting himself. Little was also arrested in 2004 for drunk driving and speeding, so he clearly learned his lesson. Way to go justice.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: I think I think, that I know nothing about the Rams. I think I think I’m frustrated that their talent level off the field and on the field can’t seem to click at the same time. It reminds me of the left fielder on my daughter, Mary Beth’s high school softball team: all the talent in the world, would knock them around like hotcakes (the delicious kind they serve at New England Patriots camp) but when it came to game time, seems just didn’t seem to be able to click.