Ruben's NFC Preview: NFC North!

Green Bay Packers
Predicted Record: 12-4
Predicted Finish: NFC North Champions, 1st Overall Seed, Super Bowl
The Skinny: I’m smitten with the Pack this year. Ever since they shitcanned Brett Favre, I feel like I can get behind the Pack again. There’s really not another NFL team I enjoy, but I feel like each year I find myself a random NFC team to root for that I don’t openly despise, which basically leaves me with Green Bay, Chicago and New Orleans. I’ve always respected the history and aura of the Packers and the Bears. I liked Aaron Rodgers at Cal and he had a fantastic rookie year. He’s got a stud wideout in Greg Jennings. Ryan Grant is going to have a way better year (and it pains me to say this because I hate him after he murdered my fantasy season last year). They have a solid offensive line and they’re switching to the 3-4 on defense. The perennially underrated pass rusher Aaron Kampman is switching to outside linebacker in the 3-4 which may cause some problems. They also lucked out in the draft snagging Boston College’s beefy and uni-browed B.J. Raji to play nose tackle. We all remember a certain first round pick with a uni-brow who ended up having a solid year. Al Harris and Charles Woodson are a combined 100 years old, but they’re still the core of a solid secondary. It might be a hunch, but I think Green Bay is going to closer to 2007-2008 Green Bay than 2008-2009 Green Bay. I see them having the best record in the NFC and possibly going to the Super Bowl. They just don’t seem to have any glaring weaknesses. I likey.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Aaron Rodgers, quarterback. In the past year, we’ve learned that Aaron Rodgers, (a) rocked out a porn stache, (b) grew his hair uncomfortably long, (c) went to college at Cal-Berkely. Is there any doubt Rodgers is not a pot head? I say the chances of him getting busted up for a minor marijuana related offense is pretty solid.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: There’s a preseason for a reason, and whether you like or not, it does have meaning. Now before we get ahead of ourselves, preseason records are not always proper indicators of what will happen during seasons, for a variety of reasons. But I think I think if I were in Green Bay right now, that I would be buying up the finest meats and cheeses Wisconsin has to offer to celebrate come February. I may not have been a fan at the time, but starting Aaron Rodgers and saying goodbye to the legendary Number 4 was a stroke of brilliance by a truly classy organization.

Chicago Bears
Predicted Record: 10-6
Predicted Finish: Second in NFC North, Wild Card, Lose in NFC Divisional Round
The Skinny: Erik Kramer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno, Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, Kordell Stewart, Rex Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson, Kyle Orton, Brian Griese. Those are the starting quarterbacks for the Chicago Bears since 1998. Be thankful we didn’t bring up Peter Tom Willis or Rick Mirer. Not a single one of those guys made the Pro Bowl (not even in 1995 when Erik Kramer tossed 29 TD’s). Cade McNown and Rex Grossman were the only two that were first round draft picks, and we’ve seen where that got them. Now they have a first round draft pick who’s 26 years old and has already been to a Pro Bowl. He’s got probably the strongest arm in the NFL to wing it on the really windy days. As Brett Favre would say, he’s a gunslinger. Some people think he’s a cocky douche, I think he’s a gamer. He’s something the Bears haven’t had since I’ve been alive: a marquee quarterback. They also have a pretty good second year running back in Matt Forte. Wide receivers are an issue, that’s for certain. But Devin Hester will get better at receiver and Earl Bennett was a college teammate of Cutler’s. Plus, he already has crazy chemistry with tight end Greg Olsen who I think is going to have a big year. Their defense isn’t what it was when they went to the Super Bowl a few years ago, but there’s still definite talent there in Tommie Harris, Adewale Ogunleye, Alex Brown, Charles Tillman, Lance Briggs and a rejuvenated Brian Urlacher. If they can coax a year or two out of free agent signee offensive lineman Orlando Pace, with a descent schedule, I think they’re Wild Card bound.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Caleb Hanie, quarterback. Why? I have no idea who he is, and why he’s the only other quarterback on the Bears roster. Plus the name Caleb is kinda douchey.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: Factoid of the Week That May Only Interest Me I: On my drive from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to Chicago, Illinois, I counted 46 McDonald’s and 46 Burger King’s. Plus while counting them, I thought to myself, Jay, you made a lot more trouble for yourself and gave up a great offense for a struggling one, and now you have a whole lot to prove. Factoid of the Week That May Only Interest Me II: Jay Cutler is the only current NFL Quarterback to have appeared on Oprah’s Reality Show The Big Give.

Minnesota Vikings
Predicted Record: 8-8
Predicted Finish: Third in NFC North
The Skinny: (editors note: in honor of my Minnesotan friend Isaacs, and his disappointment in me that I’m picking the Vikings third in the NFC Norris, I’m going to try and write this section as Isaacs would have)
Skol Vikings! Skol Vikings! Skol Vikings! I got you homie. Favre is my homeboy, he is the most interesting quarterback in the world. A-Pete is going to swoll up all the other Bama’s in the NFL, especially the Monk, who is the biggest Bama in the world. There is in fact no bigger Bama than the Monk. Listen up, I got two words for you: Adrian Peterson. The time for Adrian Peterson is always. The time for Carl Pavano is never. I love Favre chucking the ball deep to Bernard Berrian all day homie so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. Meat is the new bread. Jack Donaghy says the secret to success is SKOL VIKES. I’m going to go grab myself an avocado and egg bagel and make fun of all the ugly girls Allan hooked up with in college. Later.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Less chance at that ever since Fred Smoot left. As long as there are no boating trips on Lake Minnetonka, we’re going to go with Jared Allen. Dude already has three DUI’s. He says he’s clean and sober. We hope he’s right. It’s just that three’s a pattern and he has a really awful hair stylist.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: (head explodes because he can't decide on his Favre opinion)

Detroit Lions
Predicted Record: 4-14
Predicted Finish: Last in NFC North
The Skinny: They decided to start Matt “Tim Couch” Stafford over Daunte “Small hands smells like cabbage” Culpepper. I guess the Jets and Lions got superexcited by the years Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan put up last year as rookies. Except Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan were both fifth year seniors. Stafford and Sanchez were true juniors. There’s going to be some learning curves even if he’s slinging the ball to Megatron. Megatron being freakish Calvin Johnson’s excellent nickname. I’m surprised nobody snatched up the nickname Megatron before. We missed the boat on that. A sidenote because the Lions are still going to suck this year: in Madden ’10, which is waaaaaayyyyy better than Madden ’09, you still the option to “spotlight” wide receivers before the snap. The Lions signed the mercurial Bryant Johnson to be their number two. When the menu comes up, you have a choice to spotlight one receiver. Unfortunately, it’s only last names, so you’re playing a deadly game of Russian Roulette guessing which Johnson you’re going to spotlight (insert “that’s what she said”). Let’s put it this way: under no situation whatsoever will you ever need to spotlight Bryant Johnson. Which is really all you need to know about the 2009-2010 Detroit Lions.
Most Likely to Get Arrested This Season: Grady Jackson, defensive tackle. Grady is fat and likes to eat. See Grady. The way the Lions franchise is run, would anyone be surprised to see Grady arrested for smuggling spare ribs, special beef #5 and lo mein out of an all you can eat Chinese Buffet. I wouldn’t.
What Peter King Would Say About Them: Some advice for you Matt Stafford: Detroit is not Athens, Georgia. You’re going to be a great NFL Quarterback someday, and you’re blessed to be throwing to Calvin Johnson, but you’re going to hit some speed bumps along the way for certain. Detroit is in a lot of pain Matt, from the economy to the football team, but you have the chance to resolve even a tiny bit of that pain. I’m not sure I like all the pictures of you and the women on I’ve been seeing on the internet, it makes you seem like Matt Leinert, and he’s had it rough. Look at Joe Flacco. Look at Matt Ryan. You know what you need to do Matt.