We Sold Out... Follow Us on Twitter..

HOT NEW LINK http://twitter.com/opshutdown

FOLLOW US HERE!!!

Our financial and technical advisers here at Operation Shutdown have informed us that it is in the best interests of our Limited Liability Partnership (LLP) in terms of growth to supplement the blog with Twitter feeds.

So we're going to give it a try. We know we spoke out strongly against Twitter in the past, but we're selling out. If it's good enough for Bill Simmons, it's good enough for us.

So we promise not to tell you intricate details of our own lives (their too awesome), we'll use the platform to update you on new posts, and 140 character thoughts that don't merit their own posts.

So at the risk of appearing redundant, here it is again...

http://twitter.com/opshutdown

An Update from the Editors...

Operation Shutdown apologize for the lack of content recently. Personally, I was logjammed (not in the Karl Hungus sense) at work this past week and billed 82 hours in seven days, so needless to say, I was all logjammed (again, not in the Karl Hungus sense) this past week. Intern Mike went on a two week vacation to Thailand (Taiwan? Taipaei? Laos?) so he's been out of commission the last week or so, but hopefully, assuming the Thailandy (Taiwaneese? Taipan? Laotians?) Police do not arrest him with twenty pounds of hasish Billy Hayes style. Mr. Riley? I'm not sure he even writes for us anymore. I have to investigate. But without an intern, time is tight.

That being said, we've got some big plans in the work for the coming weeks. We're in negotiations with a producer to finally get the podcast off the ground. Mr. Riley and myself have recorded two already, and Mr. Riley accidentally deleted one. We're getting the hang of it, and hopefully we'll be able to include these first two podcasts on our "Deleted Scenes" section of the DVD we will probably never release.

We're working on Operation Shutdown's official NFL preview, which we think you'll enjoy. Hope to get that kicked off on Monday.

Mr. Riley and myself are also working on a Double Secret Probation Post that we think will hope put us on the map. Take that delusions of grandeur.

Also, we hope to get some guest posts going including, but not limited to The Bek's continuing golf journey's, as well as The Monk's official NCAA Football (mainly Miami Hurricane) preview.

So keep reading. And hopefully once I get my laptop fixed, and Mr. Riley awakes from his coma, we'll be pumping these out at a more consistent rate.

Brett Favre signed with... Who Fucking Cares.

We here at Operation Shutdown don't think it's a big deal when fringe playoff teams sign washed up 40 year olds who wear Wrangler brand jeans to contracts. That having been said, in honor of the ridiculous media coverage this non-story has received, we at Operation Shutdown offer you two video choices today.

a.) Brett Favre's 300th Interception.

b.) A heartwarming story from The View about Christian the Lion. (Courtesy of our friend Nadia, who in addition to being KDKA's resident expert on why the city of Pittsburgh is a winner, is also a huge fan of cuddly lions)

Choose wisely. We know what we chose and we know what our friend Nadia chose.

Favre's 300th Interception



Christian the Lion

My Dad Might Be Right About Tiger Woods...

My dad loves golf. It's one of the things he believes most in. Golf, working out, and having electronic devices stop working for him (which he swears only happens to him). My dad enjoys most sports and is pretty fucking knowledgeable on most of them. On occasion, my dad can become irrational about certain things in sports. For example, a Pitt grad, he still hasn't forgiven Pitt for not playing Joe Flacco (even though Tyler Palko was setting Pitt records at the time and it would have been silly to bench him) after watching Flacco play for the Ravens last year (a team he openly despises). And don't talk ill of Zydrunus Ilgauskus in front of him, because he will get mad for reasons I am still trying to figure out.

Like any male sports fan over the age of 50, he adamantly believes that all sports were more difficult, players were better and competition was more difficult when "he was my age".

One of these such beliefs manifests itself whenever Major season in golf comes around. You see, my dad has a bold prediction that he "wouldn't be surprised" if Tiger Woods never catches Jack Nicklaus and his record 18 Majors. He throws out bullshit such as "Nicklaus played against the likes of Gary Player, Arnold Palmer and Tom Watson" or "they players made nothing back then unless they won, nowadays the 45th ranked player on the money list has his own G-5" (it's a personal aircraft). Now there may be some merit to that. I'm not sure whether it's because my dad dislikes Tiger (after all, he hates Phil Mickleson, who he claims was an asshole too his cousin) or he just yearns for the old days.

In response to his "Tiger will struggle to beat Jack's record" assertion, I basically told him he was a fucking moron. I assure you, language like this in the Ruben household is a sign of love, caring and tenderness.

Now when it comes to sports, my dad and I don't agree too often, but I'm gonna go out and fucking say it.

I don't like Tiger Woods.

Not in the least. I find myself cringing to root for him even during the Ryder Cup. In all honesty, I just think he's kind of a prick.

I will concede immediately that without a doubt he's the best golf player in the world right now. No question. Nobody on the tour, young or old, is even a close second. But for someone who's the best at what he does in the world, he sure has pretty fucking terrible body language. I find it incredibly off putting. It's one thing to be an intense competitor, it's another to come off as a whiny 12 year old who's angry he struck out three times in Little League and removes himself from the game allowing yourself to move from Center Field to Second Base (yes, I'm talking about you Stern). When Tiger makes an 8 foot birdie putt, he should act like he's been there, not go on with the crazy fist pumping. When he puts an iron into the second cut, he shouldn't throw the club down in disgust like a child. Although I'll admit, when he farts, it's kind of funny.

With all my Tiger hatred, I would still argue vehemently against my dad telling him Tiger will easily break Jack's record for Major wins. Sure, Tiger had a bit of a slump in '03 and '04, but by 2005 he was in control once again. Tiger rattled off two Majors in '05, two in '06, one in '07 and one in '08. Tiger tore his knee in '08 and was forced to take the rest of the season off.

But then something weird started happening. At the '09 Masters, Tiger spent the whole time chasing, and with the lead in sight on the back 9 on Sunday, he just simply didn't have it. He seemed to run out of gas, especially on 18. At the U.S. Open, Tiger opened with a 4 over, and squeezed past the cut at 3 over par. Tiger gained 2 more shots on the Saturday and sat at 1 over par going into the final round 9 off the lead. While the field fell apart, Tiger was only able to manage to climb to even par and lost by four strokes. Tiger was simply bad at the British Open and missed the cut in a Major for only the second time in his career.

Then came the PGA Championship. Fresh of back to back wins, Tiger was poised to win. He came out scorching with a 5 under par round to lead the back. He went into the weekend 7 under par and carrying a four stroke lead. If you watched ESPN or CBS, you knew that Tiger winning at this point was a formality. On Saturday Paddy Harrington made a nice run to pull within two strokes of Tiger. ESPN and CBS continued to tell us Tiger had never lost a major when he carried a lead into the final round. Well then, no need for us to watch, right CBS?

But something changed. Tiger, the cat who couldn't be chased down, finally was. Was it Phil, Paddy, Sergio or Vijay? Nope. It was Y.E. Yang. Read that again, Y.E. fucking Yang.

Who the fuck is Y.E. Yang? Well, here's his Wikipedia page. So to recap, Tiger got chased down with a Sunday lead in the Masters by a guy who:

• Initially worked as a nightclub waiter.


• Started to play golf at the age of 19 while picking golf balls part time at "Jeju's Ora Country Club", which I think is this place.


• Had no formal golf training.


• Injured his knee while learning to use an excavator for a construction company because he needed a "real job"


• Served mandatory military service in South Korea.

If anyone was going to give Tiger a run for his money on Sunday, it would have been Paddy Harrington of course. Paddy was the reigning PGA Tour Champion. It certainly wouldn't have been Y.E. Yang. Sure, other guys are going to catch lucky breaks like the one Yang caught when he eagled 14. But Tiger responded with a solid birdie of his own on 14 and everyone just figured Yang would run out of gas, not the other way around.

But it was Tiger who couldn't make a putt. It was Tiger who bogeyed 17 and 18 to basically kill his own hopes and take all the pressure off of Yang. This wasn't the Tiger we were all used to. Despite CBS making us believe up until Yang sank his putt on 18 to win the Championship that Tiger was going to win, it just wasn't meant to be.

It begs the question, would pre-knee tearing Tiger had let a 37 year old self taught golfer with one career PGA Tour victory overtake him in such embarrassing fashion? Is there something wrong with Tiger. Sure he's won his fair share of tournaments this year, but we only remember Major Championships, not Tour wins at Bridgestone. In the four majors this year, Tiger missed a cut in one, was never in contention in another, failed to capitalize down the stretch in one and choked away a certain win in the other. Whatever the opposite of impressive is, that's summed up Tiger's appearance in the Majors this year.

Although it pains me through and through to admit it, maybe my father is right. Maybe there IS something wrong with Tiger. For the first time in Tiger's career, there might be more questions than answers.

The End of the Week Randomness Extravaganza!

The News (With Links)

Fun week for the Flyin' Hawaiian, first he gets tossed out, and then he gets tossed on (by a douchebag, try really hard and you can pinpoint the douchebag in this picture).

Michael Vick signed with someone, blah blah blah, here's an adorable picture of a squirrel.

Rick Pitino remains classy, makes women of Emily's List swoon.

They make athletic support cups for a reason. When baseballs are rocketing at you at high speeds, the athletic support cup protects your prized possession of your body from getting hit with these high speed baseballs, Adrian Beltre, you should heed this advice.

Listen, undergrad is fantastic. Undergrad as a college football player is super fantastic. Your athletic department giving you a blog to blog about your fantastic life, well that's dangerous. Do you expect them to blog about Organic Chemistry, making hamburgers on their George Foreman Grill or spending long hours in the library? Of course. Do you expect them to blog about sexual liaisons. Of course not! Wait. Reverse that.

From the "Where Are They Now Department: Lawrence Phillips Edition", Lawrence Phillips, currently serving up to 10 years in prison for deliberately hitting three teenagers with his car, was convicted this week of assault (and other felonies) for a 2005 attack on his girlfriend for which he could serve up to 25 years, which will effectively give him more years in prison than NFL touchdowns.

Should I watch that new episode of T.O.'s reality show, or wait until 4:30 am to watch that rerun of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire." Yeah, I'm going with Carlton and Uncle Phil too.

Underwhelmed by is 19 hits in 80 games with the Blackhawks this season, Patty Kane channeled his inner-Bob Probert and went all Tony Twist on a Buffalo cabbie upping his hit total on the season to about 24.

In stay away from Vicente Padilla news, USA soccer hunk and little person icon Landon Donovan allegedly got vomit thrown on him after the US lost to Mexico in a qualifying match in Mexico City and proceeded to catch the good ole H1N1 virus.

Madden 2010 came out last night at midnight, so if you wanted to drive by and throw mustard at the nerds waiting in line at midnight to buy the game, well you missed your opportunity.

The Links (With Links)

Follow Coach Wannstache on Twitter!

Fantasy Football Season Points Leader Quiz

The Worst Madden 2010 Players

Your Random YouTube (and other) Videos of The Week

Jones' Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage

... Nuff Said.

World's Greatest Father?

No fucking question.

Quite Possibly the Most Terrifying Thing Ever...

... Courtesy of Japan of course. I hate Clowns.

Rubber Ducky, Reggae, Herbrew, Sesame Street

WTF...

Your YouTube Hall of Fame Nominee of the Week

Worst Music Video Ever...
... by the people who brought you Ikea, Abba and Universal Healthcare.

The End of the Week Randomness Extravaganza!

The News (with Links)

Prince Fielder got all rowdy post-game after Guillermo Mota hit him with a pitch "obviously" in retalliation for Milwaukee hitting Man-Ram with a pitch earlier in the game. That being said, it's kinda hard to try and hit Prince Fielder with a pitch and miss. It's kind of like throwing a baseball into the ocean from the beach is all I'm saying.

Shaq. Pink Speedo. Possibilty. Come on Misty-May Treanor and Kerri Walsh.

Of course, I would gladly pay Eli Manning to be one of the three highest players in the league. But then again, I'm not a Giants fan.

J.R. Smith tweeted and created a controversy. Antonio Cromartie tweeted and got fined. Broncos coach Josh McDaniel has no idea what twitter is. Or what a franchise QB is.

Isiah Thomas may be a lunatic who may or may not be sexually inappropriate around women, may or may not be suicidal, is without a doubt an awful NBA GM, and is more than willing to throw his own kin under the bus, but bringing a Top 10 (8 ESPN, 23 Rivals) Basketball recruit to Florida International University? Yes sir.

What's Alexander Ovechkin's secret to success other than being horribly ugly, well, pre and post game love making of course.


The Links (with Links)

Frequent Guest on Dameshek, "The Ed's" Website. Please do yourself a favor and listen to the songs section, especially "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" and "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Dick Banks Remix)"

Nice Statistical Analysis of NFL Madden Curse.

Top 10 Minor League Promotions of the Year.

Random YouTube (and other videos) of the Week

Hughes Montage
In honor of the late John Hughes, here's a montage of John Hughes scenes to the tune of Baba O'Reilly



"Vinnie Jones Attack Cardio"
An alternative way to work out...

Attack Cardio with Vinnie Jones from Vinnie Jones

Fantasy Camp with Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard
We still hate the Fucking Phillies, but when you're World Series Champs, you get all the sweet gigs.

Baseball Fantasy Camp with Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins - watch more funny videos

D.J. Porter featuring Vince for Slam Chop
A Remix.



In Honor of the 3,456 Seals Who Gave their Lives in the Name of Shark Week...
... is a baby seal in a swimming pool.




Your YouTube Hall of Fame Nominee of the Week: Carl Monday!
Carl Monday, Cleveland's Investigative Reporter

That problem of people pleasuring themselves in the public library... Ohio State fans.

Shark After Dark, Thursday, 9:00pm - 10:00pm (with Bonus Materials!)

Shark After Dark

First off, if Shark After Dark were a nightclub, I would be a fucking regular. I would continuously open tabs at said nightclub, close out, and re-open to buy more shots. I would be certain that I would leave my credit card at said nightclub. It would be dimly lit and have many aquariums placed throughout the nightclub with little sharks in them. Behind the main bar would be a larger aquarium with larger sharks. It would contain beautiful women who absolute love sharks. I am very excited at this idea. This absolutely must happen.

Shark After Dark was the "last" original program of Shark Week 2009, so it was bittersweet. Shark After Dark sought to take everything we love about shark week and add night vision and infared cameras, which is almost as awesome as the "Shark After Dark Nightclub". We know a lot of shit about sharks during the day, but ask yourself, how much do we really know about sharks after dark?

Shark After Dark was helmed by Jeff Kurr, floppy haired shark camera man and self proclaimed shark enthusiast who's also done important camera work for MTV's "Parental Control" and Cat Gennaro, camerawoman, who's only other IMDB credit is on Wildboyz, so she's probably seen Steve-O's dong. I spent a good portion of the show trying to determine whether Cat was attractive or not.

They first went to Seal Island in South Africa to try and see if the Great White's totally badass water breaching to hunt seals also occurred at night. To compare, they also researched the Great White's during the day to see if their behavior changed at all after dark. While the Great White's tended to be more aggressive during the day, they also displayed their breaching behavior at night, which is still pretty bad ass. They got some great shots of Great White's polaris breaching at night. Pictures of Great White's, completely breaching the surface against the pitch black of night, is fucking sweet.

Our next destination? Somewhere that is frankly incredibly uncommon for Shark Week. Puget Sound, Seattle, Washington. Color me intrigued. Jeff and Kat meet up with Andy Dehert, shark expert for the National Aquarium to conduct some research on... Six Gill sharks. I've been watching Shark Week for years, and seldom is the mention of the reclusive Six Gill shark, a shark that is certainly foreign to shark novices. This is a shark that normally lives in depths of up to 6000 feet. Until recently, we had no fucking clue they came up to depths of 60-100 feet to feed only at night. A select group of divers in the Puget Sound have witnessed these recluses of which we know next to nothing about. For a deep water shark closely related to the Greenland Shark (which is not very sweet), you'd think these blunt nosed beauties would be slow and lethargic. However, the Six Gill sharks are actually pretty quick and agile. With modern technology, we finally get to see them. Shark After Dark Win!.

The next portion of Shark After Dark takes place in an aquarium in North Carolina with a Sand Tiger shark exhibit. It is important to not confuse the docile and smaller Sand Tiger with the crazy and large Tiger, as this may result in being eaten. Sand Tiger sharks do have kinda awesome teeth and are generally excellent in captivity. The big momma in this exhibit is called "Eileen" and she's a bit skittish and will only accept food at night. Using what they learned in the exhibit, the team then heads to the best place to find Sand Tigers at any time, a recent Coast Guard wreck off the coast of North Carolina. There are Sand Tiger's everywhere. They are skittish during the day, but at night, their aggression level increases. One nearly bites one of the divers.

The final destination is a Shark Week favorite: the Bahamas where the team wants to see whether Lemon Sharks are more aggressive at day or night. If you guesses night, then you are 100% correct and award yourself one cookie. At the end of the night, I've learned the following: filming sharks at night is pretty awesome, night vision technology is awesome, and I'm leaning towards Cat being attractive based entirely on the fact that I'm pretty sure sharks turn her on. If she was in Shark After Dark Nightclub, I think I would hit on her.

Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark
Actual Rating = Bull Shark (was leaning Tiger, but bumped it up based on originality)

BONUS!

Man vs. Fish with Matt Watson

This program was not officially listed as new Shark Week programming but it does appear to be a new series that is linked closely with sharks so it warrants some quick mentioning.

Matt Watson is a fucking lunatic. He's an insane person. There's no other way to define him. I guess it comes as no surprise that he's from New Zealand. See, my completely baseless, but nonetheless accurate assumption is that there are only two types of New Zealander's (Kiwi's if you will): completely insane Kiwi's (see, Watson, Matt) and incredibly deadpan yet utterly hilarious Kiwi's (see, Bret and Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords).

In this show, which is loosely based on the Mako shark, Mr. Watson attempts to, and succeeds at catching a Blue Shark (a small one be it) with his own bare fucking hands out of the side of a boat. He also swims up to an enraged Mako Shark that's caught on a line in the middle of the ocean to cut the line with a knife in the middle of the fucking ocean. Finally, Mr. Watson uses a translucent pool raft to float in the middle of ocean with a Mako Shark hooked on the end of a hand line. Yeah, he's clearly not all there. However, any man who's motto is "I love to fish, just with anything but poles" is alright in my book and I have high hopes for Mr. Watson.

Great White Appetite, Wednesday, 9:00pm - 10:00pm

Great White Appetite premiered last night and was hosted by none other than Mario Van Peebles, star of Solo and director of New Jack City amongst other things. Mario Van Peebles was and is a BAADASSSSS. After dishing out whoop ass in front of, and behind the screen, it's natural that investigating Great White Sharks would be the next step for Mario Van Peebles.

In Great White Appetite, Mario Van Peebles plays the roll of ex-Marine Recon soldier Charles Ingram and he's out to use his knowledge and balls of steel he learned in Marine Recon and Underwater Combat to help learn more about the eating habits of Great White sharks. Sign me up, I'm going all on with Mario Van Peebles.

The program starts out with "Ingram" (Van Peebles) standing in on a Zodiac, full wet suit, in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Gaudelupe Island. Immediately, and seemingly unprovoked and chumless, a Great White bites the fucking Zodiac and "Ingram" (Van Peebles) is forced to jump on the main boat. Pretty cool.

"Ingram's" first task is feeding a large female Great White tuna until she is too full to eat anymore. After 466 pounds of tuna, accounting for 25% of body weight, the Great White is full and swims it's fat ass away. That's more tuna than my buddy The Lowe ate during our entire freshman fall semester at the University of Florida (The Lowe kept kosher. Miss you The Lowe).

"Ingram" then traveled to False Bay/Seal Island/South Africa to tug seal decoy's along and see if the Great White's polaris breached to attack the larger or smaller decoy (the smaller, ultimately a little disappointing). In between trips back to Guadelupe in Mexico and Neptune Island in South Australia for Great White biopsy samples, "Ingram" returned to False Bay with a test of dangling three baited food options for the Great White's: tuna, squid, or kelp. Kelp being just fucking sea weed. What is the Great White most interested in? The fucking kelp. Out of all things. Way to sell out your awesomeness shark. This angers me. Maybe Mario Van Peebles found the pussiest Great White in all of the oceans. Mario Van Peebles explains the hypothesis that because the kelp was moving, the Great White is most attracted to movement. Way to save face Mario ("Ingram").

Our final destination in Great White Appetite is back to Guadelupe. What "Ingram" has in store for us is something we've yet to see on Shark Week: a clear plexi-glass shark cage (much like the predator shield Discovery Channel/Animal Planet staple Dave Salmoni uses). In all seriousness, this cage was pretty fucking sweet. Aside from the corners where it's connected, you can barely tell that it's there. They want to see how the Great White responds. They hang a baited tuna near the cage, and "Ingram" (Mario Van Peebles) swims in the cage to simulate movement. The Great White goes after the tuna and not Mario Van Peebles. To prove the Great White was not spooked by the cage, they put the baited tuna in the cage and remove "Ingram". The Great White rams the cage to get the tuna, nearly splitting. I'm officially amazed.

Mario Van Peebles did an excellent job. This was definitely a solid program. Might have been a Tiger Shark without Mario Van Peebles. However, our ultimate ruling.

Anticipated Rating: Bull Shark
Actual Rating: Bull Shark

Sharkbite Summer, Tuesday, 9:00pm - 10:00pm

Sharkbite Summer

Now there may be some grumblings that this year's Shark Week has been unimpressive. Granted Sunday's Programming, Blood in the Water was a valiant, yet ultimately flawed attempt, it was original. Monday's first program, Deadly Waters with the Survivorman was solid. The Survivorman hand fed a Great White a blue fin tuna. He got rammed in the shark cage. Would we have liked the Survivorman to do more crazy survivorman shit? Of course, but these are sharks in the ocean, not rattlesnakes in the fucking Yuma Desert. Monday's second program, Day of the Shark II, brought the awesome. Bad ass flesh wounds, actual video of a Great White getting stuck in a Shark Cage, and a Navy Seal fighting a Bull Shark.

We went into Sharkbite Summer with Tiger Shark level hopes. Sharkbite Summer chronicled the summer of 2001 in the United States which sent beach vacationers, and especially the media into full on panic mode.

Listen, the show started out in Florida with a Bull Shark biting clean off a boy's arm. Did everyone panic? No. One guy wrestled the fuck out of the Bull Shark and somehow managed to drag the animal with the most testosterone on the fucking planet clean out of the water. We'd end here confident of the pure awesomeness. But it didn't there. Another guy pumped a couple of hollow points into the Bull Shark's head (sad, but he did bite the boys fucking arm off). While the boy was being airlifted to the hospital, they cut open the Bull Shark's stomach and retrieved the boys missing arm. They sent the arm to the hospital where doctors reattached the arm and the boy lived and regained use of said arm. Anyone who tries to hate on that needs to back the fuck off.

In all honesty, Sharkbite Summer could have done a better job of tackling the sheer frenzy the media pumped into the United States. People were literally afraid to go into the water, even though the stats on shark attacks were basically the same in 2001 as they were in 2000. But otherwise, the show did a solid job recounting the most drastic of the shark attack stories of that summer, including the 8-year old boy in Virginia who lost his life after a Bull Shark severed his femoral artery. They interviewed the boys father and it was effective and heartbreaking.

Give it credit. Not everything can be gaping wounds and jumping sharks. Tonite: Great White Appettite. It's on.

Anticipated Rating = Tiger Shark
Actual Rating = Tiger Shark

Shark Diaries: Deadly Waters, Monday, 9:00pm-10:00pm; Day of the Shark II, Monday, 10:00pm-11:00pm

Shark Diaries

8:36: Call from my buddy Isaacs' who's watching Air Jaws I and amazed that one of the bioligists is named Allison Kock. Just getting home from work rushing into my apartment. Told Vikram to be over at 8:55 because I'm convinced my new apartment reeks of curry and Vikram knows curry.


9:00: Deadly Waters, which is hosted by Survivorman. We're told Deadly Waters is presented by Febreze, which excited me because I have been using Febreze every day since I moved in to try and combat the curry smell, which in all fairness, is only bad the first 65 seconds you're in the apartment. During the course of the show, Survivorman is going to use the data in the International Shark Attack Files, and other factors to determine the five most deadly waters on our planet. I'm in.

9:03: Number 5 on the list is the Caribbean Sea, which is full of lemon sharks, reef sharks, tiger sharks and great white sharks. He left Bull Shark off the list. Tsk tsk. Someone is at the door. It's Intern Mike with Miller Chill. That's how Intern Mike rolls.

9:05: Survivorman and Carribean Shark Legend Stuart Cove whip out the "Chumsicle", a giant fish popsicle Survivorman initiated during last years Shark Week. Reef Sharks see moving objects better than still objects, good to know. The Caribbean had 66 unprovoked attacks and 82 provoked.

9:14: Commercial for the G.I. Joe movie. Intern Mike is pumped. I am angry. Vikram is late.

9:15: Number 4 on the list is the South Pacific Islands, responsible for 125 unprovoked attacks and 78 provoked attacks with 51 fatalities. Intern Mike just screamed "finish him! fatality" Mortal Kombat style. I think saying Intern Mike had a few to drink before he came over is a solid assumption.

9:18: Survivorman tells us Hammerheads, Tiger and Bull Sharks frequent this area, and that the biggest problem is that medical facilities are very far. Unlike most shark attacks, South Pacific shark attacks occur in 50 feet of water or deeper. Vikram's here. Time for curry diagnosis.

9:23: Vikram's diagnosis: it does smell like curry. Wonderful, glad we've got that cleared up.

9:25: IMPORTANT MESSAGE: Go to the following web site: Ocean Conservancy: Start a Sea Change. Please take a moment to sign the petition to end the cruel and unsual practice of shark finning. It doesn't take much time. Do it.

9:26: Number 3 on the list is Capetown South Africa and Seal Island/False Bay. God dammit. I clearly thought this was going to be number one. And Intern Mike still has his bet (Australia) alive and well. These are where the Great White's breach the water full on and fuck up seals. Vikram is mesmerized. I don't think he's ever fully given himself over to the power of Shark Week. Survivorman keeps talking about some dude named Murray who was eaten by a Great White. Scarred you up Murray.

9:30: Travel in groups! Travel in groups! Polaris breaching Great White's are more likely to attack lone objects than those in groups. Travel in groups! 216 provoked attacks, 58 unprovoked. Fuck.

9:36: August 12, new season of Man v. Wild. Intern Mike just jumped on the couch and starts beating his chest yelling. No more Miller Chill for Intern Mike.

9:37: Number 2 on the list is is Neptune Island, South Australia. Hah! Intern Mike doesn't win either. More Great Whites. Great Whites like tuna. Great Whites ram shark cage. Survivor man attempts to hand feed Great White. Wait... what? That's fucking stupid. Vikram trying to make claim it's "for science". Vikram is fucking investment banker, not a fucking marine biologist.

9:42: Final stats for Neptune Island: 370 unprovoked attacks, 153 provoked attacks. Lesson: do not provoke a fucking shark.

9:52: Ad comparing G.I. Joe robot suit to shark. Is there no sanctity left in this world? "That suit looks fucking awesome man!", yells Intern Mike. Vikram convinces me at this point it would be best to continue feeding him Miller Chill's until he passes out. Then he won't act stupid. Good idea Vikram! That's why we keep him around.

9:55: And Number 1 on the list is.... Florida?? Really? There have been 618 attacks in Florida. But how many of those were fatal? Huh? Not listing that number, are you Survivorman. Survivorman claims it's the deadliest because of poor visibility and a lot of swimmers. Tries to prove his point with a rubber prosthetic arm. That was a letdown. Question: would you feel safer swimming in Florida or in the water where 20 foot Great White's launch themselves out of the water? Yeah. Me too.

10:00: Day of the Shark II, "viewer discretion advised" warning pops on screen. This is what we like! Bring it on. I feel a Bull Shark rating coming. This show is going to be a few small stories on shark attacks. Done and done. After one show, Vikram is already hooked on Shark Week. "I didn't see a lot of sharks growing up in Mumbai". he informs me. Well, there's always that.

10:02: We're in Brisbane, Australia with a bunch of baked out of their mind Aussie surfers who obviously don't listen to authority. They're surfing during feeding time... and BOOM! "Jono" gets bitten by a fucking Great White. Uh oh. His one friend comes to help, while his blonde friend hauls ass to the shore like a pussy. "Leave no man behind!!!", Intern Mike yells.

10:05: And THERE IT IS! First awfully gory shark wound of the evening. 18 inch gaping wound in his thigh! Intern Mike rushes to the bathroom full speed. He better get it all in the toilet. "Blood doesn't bother me, mother and father wanted me to be a doctor", Vikram informs me. Well, that goes without saying. Picture of said wound is here.

10:11: Guadalupe, Mexico. Two Americans cage diving with Great Whites. Seems normal. Oh no's!!! The fucking Great White rammed the cage and is now inside the fucking cage and can't get out. One diver disappears. He's a goner. The other goes out the trap door and finds two more Great White's underneath him. Scarred! Wait. Neither diver gets injured at all. Let down.

10:19: If you're idea is that L.L. Cool J extolling the virtues of Phillip Rivers is your strong play to convince me to purchase NFL Sunday Ticket, consider your idea a failure.

10:22: We're in the Bahamas. Some white guys are spearfishing. "Why is it always you white people getting attacked by sharks?", asks Vikram. Calm down Vikram. They're spearfishing Hogsnapper and a Bull Shark is attracted. This won't end well hopefully.

10:24: Yup, dude got attacked. That last Hogsnapper of the day was really worth it. Vikram just asked me if Hogsnapper was kosher. Clever Vikram, clever. Keep it up. They haul the dude to shore where he gets medivaced to Jackson Memorial. Dude lives, has bad ass scar to prove it for rest of life.

10:32: New show on TLC... Police Women of Broward County! I lived in Broward County for a while. I am not excited for this show, nor will I watch. Guess TLC is trying some programming that doesn't involve midgets, fat people, 18 children or ugly people. Wait. Female cops. Scratch that, it fits perfectly, great work TLC!

10:33: Tazmania, Tanzania? Somewhere? The Glenfiddich is starting to kick in. Intern Mike is falling in and out of sleep. He might miss his Intro to Earth Sciences Class tomorrow. Teens were surfing, (what else?) and get attacked by a Great White. Teen disappears under the water, then gets tossed out of water by Great White. Fun stuff. The girl lives, and is being interviewed. Intern Mike asks "did she get attacked?". "Yes.", we inform him. "Too bad, she's kinda busted, the shark should have just ate her." Ouch. The girl looks 14. Intern Mike simultaneously receives the "Pedobear Seal of Approval" Award and the "Unnecessarily Offensive Comment of the Night" Award. Go back to sleep Intern Mike.

10:45: Florida Keys. Middle age gentleman with a squeaky voice and a 14 pound terrier live on the water in the Keys. Read between the lines here. Dog likes to swim. Uh oh. Easy to see where this is headed. Dog gets attacked by lemon shark. Man tries to save dog. Dog somehow escapes and is all sliced up. Man hides dog from local Chinese Restaurant. Vet stitches up dog. Dog lives. Man lives. Ta-dah!

10:54: St. Petersburg, Florida. Navy Seal swimming in fresh water. Gets attacked by Bull Shark. Fight's Bull Shark. Bull Shark lets go after fileting Navy Seal's back. Boat rescues Navy Seal. With gaping hole in back, Navy Seal simply tells rescuers to "hose him off, he's fine". Fucking bad ass. Intern Mike is snoring. Vikram wants to watch more.

11:02: I kick Vickram and Intern Mike out. I have work in morning.

Deadly Waters: Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark; Actual Rating = Tiger Shark
Day of the Shark II: Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark; Actual Rating = Bull Shark

Tark the Shark

"Tark the Shark", or Jerry Tarkanian if you're into calling people by their Christian name, was the rebel in the college basketball coaching community in the 1980's and 1990's who is shockingly still alive. Tarkanian won an NCAA Men's Basketball Title in 1990 with the UNLV Runnin' Rebels.

Aside from winning a title, Tark the Shark is best known for two things.

First is the fucking towel he was always chewing on. Why he did this is a mystery. Towel's generally do not carry with them a pleasant taste, especially if they are sweaty. Unless Tark the Shark was sprinkling Old Bay Seasoning or the powder they put on Sour Patch kids, it's downright nasty. But alas, it was Tark the Shark's trademark.

Second, was that Tark the Shark was a fucking constant thorn in the side of the NCAA. Tark the Shark (the precursor to Bob Huggins) had a reputation for taking on even the most troubled of players. Greg Anthony, Grandmama and The Plastic Man were some of his players during his Runnin' Rebels days. During his tenure at UNLV, Tark the Shark was criticized for UNLV's close relation to known gambler with alleged Mafia ties Richard Perry. In the late 1960's while at Long Beach State, Tark the Shark pissed off the NCAA community by starting three black players at a time, which was considered a fucking no-no (way to be progressive NCAA). Tark the Shark was involved with a dispute with the NCAA over Due Process in the 1970's which led all the way to the Supreme Court.

Tark the Shark was a colorful dude whose ultimate contributions to College Basketball will be debated for a long time.

"Blood in the Water", Sunday Night 9:00pm-11:00pm (re-running Friday Night)

Blood in the Water

Let's face it, as far as basic cable, or even digital plus (whatever the fuck that means) channels, it is difficult to make a case that any channel brings the bad ass at a higher and more consistent rate than the Discovery Channel. Beginning with the well received "I Shouldn't Be Alive" series, the Discovery Channel began to wade into the quality re-enactment scenes to go along with the commentary portions. These were quality re-enactments that were nothing like the awful re-enactments from Unsolved Mysteries or Rescue 911 crap.

Blood in the Water takes this to the next level and consists of roughly 95% actors and 5% stock footage of Great White Sharks fucking stuff up. The program is a recounting, in faux documentary style, of the Shark attacks along the New Jersey coast in the summer of 1916. These are the attacks that led to a book that led to the Spielberg masterpiece "Jaws". In the span of a few weeks in July, five people were attacked by a shark or sharks along the coasts or inlets resulting in four deaths.

According to the program, in 1916, the most well renowned marine biologists were convinced that sharks could not kill and eat people. They claim that as of 1916, not a single shark had killed a single person in the United States, which when you think of it, is absolutely fucking absurd. These "scientists" believed that the only shark hypothetically capable of such actions was a "White Shark" (i.e. Great White Shark) and they only lived in warm tropical waters. Fucking morons.

Even with eye-witness testimony regarding two attacks on crowded beaches within a week of each other, the scientists were skeptical. The other three attacks occurred up a fresh water inlet about a mile and half from the ocean called "Mattawan Creek". The 1916 townspeople freaked out about the "water creature" eating their own, so they did what any other rational 1916 townsperson would do: they shot guns at anything that moved in the water and then tried to use dynamite to kill the shark.

I did not have extremely high hopes for this program because I knew going in that it was 95% dramatized and would lack any hardcore video or analysis of the actual sharks. I was correct. However, in Blood in the Water, they make the audience believe that it was a Great White Shark responsible for all the attacks, even the ones in fresh water. Now this, I have a MAJOR problem with.

There is only one shark who can live freely in the salt water of the ocean and the fresh water of inlets, lakes and rivers. That is the Bull Shark, the most bad ass shark on the planet. They have found Bull Shark's 2000 miles up the Amazon river and as far north up the Mississippi as St. Louis. That's terrifying and awesome. The three people attacked in Mattawan Creek were most likely victims of a Bull Shark, which the program tends to ignore until the last five minutes where they throw out the possibility and that "scientists" disagree.

Fresh Water = Bull Shark. It's that simple. Give the Bull Shark some motherfucking respect.

Anticipated Rating = Oceanic White Tip
Actual Rating = Lemon Shark

Shark Week Primetime Schedule and Ratings

The Following is the Shark Week Prime Time Schedule. New programming is in bold. Each show has Operation Shutdown's Shark Rating with it.

Shark Rating Scale:
Bull Shark: The most awesome of all sharks. This is a can't miss. Watch it live and Tivo it to watch it again. The highest rating.
Tiger Shark: Just a step below the Bull Shark in terms of awesomeness. Still a can't miss.
Oceanic White Tip: Still kind of awesome but a bit underrated. Would certainly Tivo if you can't watch it live.
Lemon Shark: Effective, yet not terrifying. Has it's moments, but may ultimately leave you wanting a little more.
Nurse Shark: Fucking weak. Of course, none of these will have this ratings. Nurse shark's don't deserve any shark week pub.



Monday
7:00pm: Shark Attack Survivors. [Oceanic White Tip]
8:00pm: Air Jaws: Sharks of South Africa. [Bull Shark]
9:00pm: Deadly Waters. Survivorman Les Stroud tries to find which portion of ocean is the most deadly. Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark (editors note: between Vince reminding me how awesome Les Stroud is, and Les Stroud being Canadian and me enjoying my lunch from Tim Horton's, I've upgraded Deadly Waters to the Bull Shark rating.)
10:00pm: Day of the Shark 2. Chronicles stories of different Shark related encounters: steel cage dives, Navy Seals and Bull Shark invasions. Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark.

Tuesday
7:00pm: Deadly Stripes: Tiger Sharks. [Tiger Shark]
8:00pm: Top 5 Eaten Alive. [Tiger Shark]
9:00pm: Sharkbite Summer. Accounts of the Summer 2001 U.S. Shark bite rebellion. Anticipated rating = Tiger Shark
10:00pm: Some Non Shark Show. Blasphemy. [Nurse Shark]

Wednesday
7:00pm: Mythbusters: Jaws Special (Part 1). [Oceanic White Tip]
8:00pm: Mythbusters: Jaws Special (Part 2). [Oceanic White Tip]
9:00pm: Great White Appetite. Great White's plus new technology. Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark
10:00pm: Jaws of the Pacific. [Tiger Shark]

Thursday
7:00pm: Perfect Predators (Part 1). [Bull Shark]
8:00pm: Perfect Predators (Part 2). [Bull Shark]
9:00pm: Sharks After Dark. Cutting edge technology lets us track sharks at their deadliest - at night. Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark
10:00pm: Man v. Fish with Matt Watson: Mako. [Oceanic White Tip]

Friday
7:00pm: Sharkbites: Surviving Great Whites. [Bull Shark]
8:00pm: Sharkbite Summer
9:00pm: Blood in the Water (Part 1). A cinematic documentary of the 1916 Shark attacks in Jersey that Jaws was based on. Anticipated Rating = Oceanic White Tip.
10:00pm: Blood in the Water (Part 2). A cinematic documentary of the 1916 Shark attacks in Jersey that Jaws was based on. Anticipated Rating = Oceanic White Tip.

Saturday
7:00pm: Dirty Jobs: Greenland Shark Quest. [Lemon Shark]
8:00pm: Dirty Jobs: Jobs that Bite (Part 1). [Oceanic White Tip]
9:00pm: Dirty Jobs: Jobs that Bite (Part 2). [Oceanic White Tip]
10:00pm: Dirty Jobs: Jobs that Bite Harder. [Ocean White Tip]

Shark Week is Fucking Here Bitches.

The greatest week of the year is here. Shark Week. In honor of the week long holiday and extravaganza courtesy of the Discovery Channel, Shark Week is taking over Operation Shutdown for the rest of the week. Operation Shutdown will be your Shark Week HQ. We'll provide the schedule, reviews of the new Shark Week programming as well as sports commentary related to everything Shark. So put on the wet suit, chum up the water, and let's go fucking free dive with Great White Sharks. It's fucking on.