8:36: Call from my buddy Isaacs' who's watching Air Jaws I and amazed that one of the bioligists is named Allison Kock. Just getting home from work rushing into my apartment. Told Vikram to be over at 8:55 because I'm convinced my new apartment reeks of curry and Vikram knows curry.
9:00: Deadly Waters, which is hosted by Survivorman. We're told Deadly Waters is presented by Febreze, which excited me because I have been using Febreze every day since I moved in to try and combat the curry smell, which in all fairness, is only bad the first 65 seconds you're in the apartment. During the course of the show, Survivorman is going to use the data in the International Shark Attack Files, and other factors to determine the five most deadly waters on our planet. I'm in.
9:03: Number 5 on the list is the Caribbean Sea, which is full of lemon sharks, reef sharks, tiger sharks and great white sharks. He left Bull Shark off the list. Tsk tsk. Someone is at the door. It's Intern Mike with Miller Chill. That's how Intern Mike rolls.
9:05: Survivorman and Carribean Shark Legend Stuart Cove whip out the "Chumsicle", a giant fish popsicle Survivorman initiated during last years Shark Week. Reef Sharks see moving objects better than still objects, good to know. The Caribbean had 66 unprovoked attacks and 82 provoked.
9:14: Commercial for the G.I. Joe movie. Intern Mike is pumped. I am angry. Vikram is late.
9:15: Number 4 on the list is the South Pacific Islands, responsible for 125 unprovoked attacks and 78 provoked attacks with 51 fatalities. Intern Mike just screamed "finish him! fatality" Mortal Kombat style. I think saying Intern Mike had a few to drink before he came over is a solid assumption.
9:18: Survivorman tells us Hammerheads, Tiger and Bull Sharks frequent this area, and that the biggest problem is that medical facilities are very far. Unlike most shark attacks, South Pacific shark attacks occur in 50 feet of water or deeper. Vikram's here. Time for curry diagnosis.
9:23: Vikram's diagnosis: it does smell like curry. Wonderful, glad we've got that cleared up.
9:25: IMPORTANT MESSAGE: Go to the following web site: Ocean Conservancy: Start a Sea Change. Please take a moment to sign the petition to end the cruel and unsual practice of shark finning. It doesn't take much time. Do it.
9:26: Number 3 on the list is Capetown South Africa and Seal Island/False Bay. God dammit. I clearly thought this was going to be number one. And Intern Mike still has his bet (Australia) alive and well. These are where the Great White's breach the water full on and fuck up seals. Vikram is mesmerized. I don't think he's ever fully given himself over to the power of Shark Week. Survivorman keeps talking about some dude named Murray who was eaten by a Great White. Scarred you up Murray.
9:30: Travel in groups! Travel in groups! Polaris breaching Great White's are more likely to attack lone objects than those in groups. Travel in groups! 216 provoked attacks, 58 unprovoked. Fuck.
9:36: August 12, new season of Man v. Wild. Intern Mike just jumped on the couch and starts beating his chest yelling. No more Miller Chill for Intern Mike.
9:37: Number 2 on the list is is Neptune Island, South Australia. Hah! Intern Mike doesn't win either. More Great Whites. Great Whites like tuna. Great Whites ram shark cage. Survivor man attempts to hand feed Great White. Wait... what? That's fucking stupid. Vikram trying to make claim it's "for science". Vikram is fucking investment banker, not a fucking marine biologist.
9:42: Final stats for Neptune Island: 370 unprovoked attacks, 153 provoked attacks. Lesson: do not provoke a fucking shark.
9:52: Ad comparing G.I. Joe robot suit to shark. Is there no sanctity left in this world? "That suit looks fucking awesome man!", yells Intern Mike. Vikram convinces me at this point it would be best to continue feeding him Miller Chill's until he passes out. Then he won't act stupid. Good idea Vikram! That's why we keep him around.
9:55: And Number 1 on the list is.... Florida?? Really? There have been 618 attacks in Florida. But how many of those were fatal? Huh? Not listing that number, are you Survivorman. Survivorman claims it's the deadliest because of poor visibility and a lot of swimmers. Tries to prove his point with a rubber prosthetic arm. That was a letdown. Question: would you feel safer swimming in Florida or in the water where 20 foot Great White's launch themselves out of the water? Yeah. Me too.
10:00: Day of the Shark II, "viewer discretion advised" warning pops on screen. This is what we like! Bring it on. I feel a Bull Shark rating coming. This show is going to be a few small stories on shark attacks. Done and done. After one show, Vikram is already hooked on Shark Week. "I didn't see a lot of sharks growing up in Mumbai". he informs me. Well, there's always that.
10:02: We're in Brisbane, Australia with a bunch of baked out of their mind Aussie surfers who obviously don't listen to authority. They're surfing during feeding time... and BOOM! "Jono" gets bitten by a fucking Great White. Uh oh. His one friend comes to help, while his blonde friend hauls ass to the shore like a pussy. "Leave no man behind!!!", Intern Mike yells.
10:05: And THERE IT IS! First awfully gory shark wound of the evening. 18 inch gaping wound in his thigh! Intern Mike rushes to the bathroom full speed. He better get it all in the toilet. "Blood doesn't bother me, mother and father wanted me to be a doctor", Vikram informs me. Well, that goes without saying. Picture of said wound is here.
10:11: Guadalupe, Mexico. Two Americans cage diving with Great Whites. Seems normal. Oh no's!!! The fucking Great White rammed the cage and is now inside the fucking cage and can't get out. One diver disappears. He's a goner. The other goes out the trap door and finds two more Great White's underneath him. Scarred! Wait. Neither diver gets injured at all. Let down.
10:19: If you're idea is that L.L. Cool J extolling the virtues of Phillip Rivers is your strong play to convince me to purchase NFL Sunday Ticket, consider your idea a failure.
10:22: We're in the Bahamas. Some white guys are spearfishing. "Why is it always you white people getting attacked by sharks?", asks Vikram. Calm down Vikram. They're spearfishing Hogsnapper and a Bull Shark is attracted. This won't end well hopefully.
10:24: Yup, dude got attacked. That last Hogsnapper of the day was really worth it. Vikram just asked me if Hogsnapper was kosher. Clever Vikram, clever. Keep it up. They haul the dude to shore where he gets medivaced to Jackson Memorial. Dude lives, has bad ass scar to prove it for rest of life.
10:32: New show on TLC... Police Women of Broward County! I lived in Broward County for a while. I am not excited for this show, nor will I watch. Guess TLC is trying some programming that doesn't involve midgets, fat people, 18 children or ugly people. Wait. Female cops. Scratch that, it fits perfectly, great work TLC!
10:33: Tazmania, Tanzania? Somewhere? The Glenfiddich is starting to kick in. Intern Mike is falling in and out of sleep. He might miss his Intro to Earth Sciences Class tomorrow. Teens were surfing, (what else?) and get attacked by a Great White. Teen disappears under the water, then gets tossed out of water by Great White. Fun stuff. The girl lives, and is being interviewed. Intern Mike asks "did she get attacked?". "Yes.", we inform him. "Too bad, she's kinda busted, the shark should have just ate her." Ouch. The girl looks 14. Intern Mike simultaneously receives the "Pedobear Seal of Approval" Award and the "Unnecessarily Offensive Comment of the Night" Award. Go back to sleep Intern Mike.
10:45: Florida Keys. Middle age gentleman with a squeaky voice and a 14 pound terrier live on the water in the Keys. Read between the lines here. Dog likes to swim. Uh oh. Easy to see where this is headed. Dog gets attacked by lemon shark. Man tries to save dog. Dog somehow escapes and is all sliced up. Man hides dog from local Chinese Restaurant. Vet stitches up dog. Dog lives. Man lives. Ta-dah!
10:54: St. Petersburg, Florida. Navy Seal swimming in fresh water. Gets attacked by Bull Shark. Fight's Bull Shark. Bull Shark lets go after fileting Navy Seal's back. Boat rescues Navy Seal. With gaping hole in back, Navy Seal simply tells rescuers to "hose him off, he's fine". Fucking bad ass. Intern Mike is snoring. Vikram wants to watch more.
11:02: I kick Vickram and Intern Mike out. I have work in morning.
Deadly Waters: Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark; Actual Rating = Tiger Shark
Day of the Shark II: Anticipated Rating = Bull Shark; Actual Rating = Bull Shark
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