Some of you may be wondering where the brilliant ruminations of Mr. Riley have been lately. There have been rumors circulating around the Operation Shutdown Corporate HQ that Mr. Riley has been suspended indefinitely for his "serious journalistic post" regarding the Donte Stallworth/Mike Vick situations. This is not the case, we here at Operation Shutdown encourage both serious and non-serious, slightly humorous journalism all the same. We consider ourselves a "hybrid" of such and encourage all types of posts, both funny and tragic. The rest of us here at HQ have been wondering where Mr. Riley has gone as well. He sort of just disappeared sometime over the weekend without a word. It was troubling all of us.
Luckily, Operation Shutdown's unpaid intern, "Intern Mike", was doing some crack investigative journalism and followed up a "hot lead" on the whereabouts of Mr. Riley. Intern Mike miraculously tracked down Mr. Riley at the Pittsburgh International Airport and approached him as he was walking past the Franco Harris statue. Intern Mike proceeded to press Mr. Riley for comment on his puzzling absence and Mr Riley responded with the single statement, "I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail", and stormed off, obviously annoyed with Intern Mike.
Intern Mike was resilient though. After I informed him that the Appalachian Trail was not a 1987 Computer Game and was in fact a real place (Intern Mike is unfortunately taking classes at Community College and has been for quite some time), Intern Mike could not find a single person anywhere on the Appalachian Trail that could vouch for Mr. Riley's whereabouts on said trail. The thought of Mr. Riley hiking, especially to anyone who knows him, is quite preposterous. However, using all the wealth of vocational skills he has obtained in his numerous semesters at Community College, Intern Mike somehow followed the "paper trail" (Intern Mike watches the CSI Franchises too much) and realized that Mr. Riley was in fact in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
That's where the story unravels. Mr. Riley has been apparently carrying on a torrid love affair with an Argentinian woman known only as "Maria". While all of us here at Operation Shutdown have the utmost respect for the private affairs of citizens of this great nation, we find it our journalistic and civic duty to inform the public of Mr. Riley's misdeeds. While most information is scant at the moment, Intern Mike has obtained some electronic mail ("e-mails") from Mr. Riley to "Maria". Operation Shutdown will now reveal the contents of said "e-mails".
"You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty."
"I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light -- but hey, that would be going into sexual details ..."
"...while all the things above are all too true -- at the same time we are in a ... hopelessly impossible situation of love...."
"How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes ..."
"You are my love ... something hard to believe even for myself as it's also a kind of impossible love, not only because of distance but situation... Sometimes you don't choose things, they just happen ... I can't redirect my feelings and I am very happy with mine towards you."
Pretty risque stuff.
While all of us at Operation Shutdown never viewed Mr. Riley as "the romantic type", we are nevertheless impressed with his Danielle Steele like way with romanticism. His beautiful words are often wasted on this simple blog of ours and are better suited for the pages of a romance novel with a shirtless Fabio on the cover. Should Mr. Riley decide to take that direction, then we will support him 100%.
However, should Mr. Riley decide to stay with our humble blog, then we wish him the best of luck in this difficult time. Take all the time off you need Mr. Riley, we're all behind you.
* Additional Reporting done by Intern Mike.
No comments:
Post a Comment