Sadly, Billy Mays is not here anymore.Sadly, there will be no Staples Center Memorial for Billy Mays. Not even a memorial at Newman Stadium in the Southside.
Mariah Carey will not serenade his memory. Neither will John Mayer.
The Reverend Al Sharpton will not eulogize him in front of the nation.
Out of the quartet of fallen stars of the past few week, none shined brighter more recently than McKees Rocks own Billy Mays. Billy, as we Pittsburghers like to call him, was one of our own. He gave all hard working Pittsburghers hope that we too could one day rise from the iron and steel infused ashes of blue collar-dom into the glitz and glamour world of direct-market advertising. Over the last few days, there have been memorials for Billy, although not suprisingly, neither CNN, VH1 or BET have done non-stop specials on him. Maybe Larry King will have Ron Popiel on, but that's probably the extent. But this post will not discuss the untimely passing of Billy, but rather will celebrate his life, his vision and his achievements, of which there were many.
Born of simple means in McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania, a small Pittsburgh town on the banks of the Ohio River. Billy was born unique. Unlike the other McKees Rocks children, who would never venture outside Western Pennsylvania, Billy wanted to see the world. Unfortunately, there were not many opportunities for people from McKees Rocks to see the world. Billy had to find a way, a ticket out.
Billy's ticket out would be through direct-market advertising, or "infomercials" to the layperson. Billy was inspired by such luminaries as Ron Popiel (Show Time Rotisserie Oven [SET IT AND FORGET IT!], The Pocket Fisherman and the Fucking Weird Spray On Hair) and the Juice Man (Juice Maker). When he turned on the television and saw full length advertisements, Billy knew that he had found his calling. All he needed to do was to move to Atlantic City and hone his gift selling the "Washmatik Portable Washing Device" with the help of Americas dirtiest, sleaziest and most conniving salesmen.
The direct-market advertising sector was not an easy brotherhood to crack. But Billy had the charm, street smarts, booming voice and most importantly the beard to succeed where lesser men would fail. All Billy needed was the correct product to make his breakthrough. He didn't need hookers or cocaine like some pitchmen, SHAM WOW!
Then he found it. The product had a catchy name and needed a catchy spokesperson. It was a match made in direct-marketing advertising heaven. OxiClean. What did it do? No one was really sure. It was some kind of soap with a catchy name, catchy packaging and a catchy spokesperson. There was Billy on our television sets, in our homes, extolling the virtues of OxiClean, which he promised us would be the best cleaning agent ever created by man. (Windex obviously not included, because the awesomeness that is Windex must have certainly been created by higher life forms, namely the aliens from Independence Day). Suddenly, we all wanted to be a part of the OxiClean phemonenom.
It was us, the American public that helped OxiClean and in turn, Billy, become a success. Inventors and companies with the next great American invention (or the next useless piece of junk, depending on your viewpoint), lined up to have Billy be the face of their product. And over the next dozen years, there would be many. Fix It, Flies Away, Impact Gel, Mighty Mendit, Samurai Shark, Simoniz Liquid Diamond, Steam Buddy, Tool Bandit, What Odor? and Zobeez just to name a few.
Eventually, Billy would hit the pinnacle of his career with his own television show, "Pitchmen" on the Channel That Hosts Shark Week (best channel ever) with best friend, Englishman and fellow direct-market-advertising guru Anthony Sullivan. The show, appropriately titled "Pitchmen", was a behind the scenes look at the everyday life and career of Billy, how he made the difficult decisions. It was a look at the man behind the mirror. Unfortunately, Billy's pinnacle would also be Billy's end.
Just days before his death, Billy was hit in his rather large, hard head (his description) with luggage falling from overhead compartments after a rough plane landing. Early speculation was that this was the cause of his death. However, autopsy reports determined that Billy suffered a heart attack and was already suffered from hypertensive heart disease. For a man so intense and aggressively loud, perhaps there was no more poetic way to go down.
Billy was brought back to Pittsburgh and put to rest in his beloved McKees Rocks hometown. Pallbearers dressed in complete Billy attire: blue shirt and khakis. It was a fitting end to an extraordinary life.
So in honor of Billy, Operation Shutdown brings to you our five favorite Billy products, from number five to number one.
5.) Mighty Putty
Fix, Fill, Seal and Repair Dast and Make it Last!(tm). This wasn't the same crap you were given as a child that's only use was apparently pressing against the shitty Marmaduke comic and impressing yourself for 1.2 seconds. This was shit that could help you around the house. You know when your Dad got pissed at you when you threw the nerf football in the house and knocked over the "World's Best Dad" mug your little brother "bought" him for father's day and only the handle broke? Well Mighty Putty alleviates that problem. You can fashion a brand new handle for that fucking mug and it will absolutely not look the same! If you had the pesky leak underneath your faucet, instead of calling the plumber and exposing yourself to price gouging and ass crackage, you can simply apply Mighty Putty and the leak would stop!
4.) Hercules Hooks
Installs Easily By Hand! Just Twist, Turn and Push! (tm) This one makes the list for sheer balls. Plus they brag that it has been "Seen on The View". If I'm interested in a product with "hercules" in the title, the approval of five (?) menopausal women is all I need. By the way, have you seen this thing? It looks like a big fucking paper clip. If any of these looks like a scam, this is the one. Billy claims this paper clip can support up to 150 pounds, or roughly equal to the size of the J-Date girl I went on a date with last week. But I guess it serves a purpose, because if there is anything I hate, it's having to hammer a nail into a wall to hang up my 1990 Paula Abdul "Forever Your Girl" framed lithograph.
3.) Awesome Auger
I'm going to level with you guys, I have no clue what an auger is. I know that it's a gun that shoots through walls in the Playstation 3 Game "Resistance Fall of Man" because my buddy The Hulk and I fucked the Chimera up with that gun. But I'm pretty sure Billy is not hawking an energy weapon that fires through walls to kill mutated humans. I think if there were such a thing it would be way out of the direct-market advertising crowds budget. The Awesome Auger should be higher on this list simply because of the name, but lets face it, it sounds a lot cooler than it actually looks, which is like a semi-depraved sex toy.
2.) Big City Slider
You know how many times I've been standing in the kitchen of my apartment staring at ground beef angry that I can't make delicious slider (mini-burgers) in the comfort of my own home and without the hassles of a grille? Well the answer is fucking never. And I make delicious sliders. Ask anyone who was at Maribeth's 2008 Super Bowl Party bitches. Mr. Riley would probably love this thing, because all he would have to do is purchase ground beef, roll it up, and put it into this thing. See, Mr. Riley believes strongly that meat should never be seasoned because "meat flavor" on it's own is enough flavor. For the frame of reference, Mr. Riley's diet consists of Hamburger Patties, Entiments Cookies, Peanut Butter, Totino Pizza Rolls and absolutely no vegetables whatsoever. In other words, Mr. Riley has the same diet of an eight year old living in Arkansas. But I digress... it's a fucking glorified muffin pan with a handle. And who really makes hamburgers on their stove? That's what grills are for man. If you ever see a buddy using this, you are fully within man code guidelines to beat the shit out of him.
1.) OxiClean
Was there any doubt? This was the one that started it all. The pallbearers at Billy's funeral wore the blue shirt and khaki ensemble that Best Buy clearly stole from Billy. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that Billy was burried in a fucking OxiClean shirt. Plus, let's face it, OxiClean is probably just Dial soap mixed with a chlorine tablet, any six year old with a Mr. Wizard chemistry set can make that in his room.
So there you go. This is for you Billy. The world misses you.
Suck it Vince for Sham Wow you'll never be Billy.
No comments:
Post a Comment