Now, it is not unheard of for someone to have a first name which is the result of his or her parents being unable to decide which of two names they like better.
However, when Mr. and Mrs. Hill came to naming their new baby boy, they were stuck on either Glen or Allen. The only problem is that when you combine them you get either (1) G-len or (2) Al-len. I suppose they could have gone with either Gllen or Alen, but that doesn't really solve their problem. So, they decided just to give him both names, and hope that no one noticed.
Well, they fucking noticed. Who names a child "Glenallen". Really...
So, as a result of this baby naming fiasco, Glenallen was forever cursed with having nicknames thrust upon him in an attempt to not have to call him by his preposterous first name. But before I get to that, let me suggest 5 more appropriate names that might have avoided this problem:
(1) Steve
(2) Lucas
(3) Marion
(4) Topher
(5) McLovin
Before you scoff, tell me that you would call someone named "McLovin Hill" anything other than "McLovin Hill". I know that I stole this from a movie, but it really is a name that you can't help but say every time you have the chance.
Moving forward, though, Glen+Allen Hill was nicknamed, early in his career, "The Juggler". He was so-named, because apparently he couldn't field to save his life. How anyone could have a .962 career fielding percentage in the outfield is well beyond me. Just for perspective, Manny's career FP is .979. Jim Edmonds, generally considered one of the better outfielders of our time had a .988 career FP. So what that means is that Topher Hill was 2 times worse than Manny was worse than Jim Edmonds. If you followed that, you're astounded right now.
Hill was so bad that a former Mariners pitching coach named Brian Pryce once referred to Marion Hill's defensive skills as "akin to watching a gaffed haddock surface for air". This is quite the image, although I have no fucking clue what it means. I actually had to look this up online to find out what was happening. And what I found is that this analogy makes no sense whatsoever. First, "akin" means "like" or "similar to". But you probably already knew that. A "haddock" is a type of fish, and if you're paying attention, you already know where this going. And a "gaff" (from the French gaffe) is a long spear.
So presumably he meant that watching Lucas Hill was "similar to watching a speared fish surface for air". Well, I guess I see where he was going with the analogy, but I highly doubt that any fish would ever surface for air. Nice try using all those big words, but in the end, you might as well have said that it was like watching a hogtied unicorn diving for pennies.
Well, maybe not.
McLovin Hill had a second nickname, though. His buddies called him "Spiderman". As an aside, I would like to note that both of his nicknames have the same number of syllables as his real name, so its probably illogical to argue that his nicknames came about because of his ridiculous and cumbersome first name. But anyhow, he earned the moniker "Spiderman" due to an arachnophobia-induced sleepwalk that resulted in Mr. Hill running into a glass table, and tumbling down the stairs. I imagine that it looked something like this:
Now, you know, a lot of people are scared of things, not just McLovin. Mr. Ruben is deathly scared of clowns and conjoinment. I have been trying to hook him up with these two (one?) for a while now, but nothing has materialized.
So, in summation:
The Good: Name combines two underused names, Glen and Allen; modest power; reminds us that even the most HGH-infused baseball players still have irrational human fears.
The Bad: Couldn't take a pitch, couldn't field, couldn't hit for average, scared of spiders.
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